Public Shaming

This has made me cringe more than anything else on the internet. (This is not a challenge, TJEW!)

http://publicshaming.tumblr.com/

I will probably forget about it soon, so I thought I'd post it here for safe keeping!

Why are there tweezers in the coffee machine?

Gathered on Sierra: 

Re: my clambering onto the bed with a broken knee
GLSB: You are a shit walrus!

GLSB: 1970s arcade porn!

Conversation before hand:
"Abattoir" is a nice word - deriving from French
GLSB: Chateaux de slaughter!

Re: a customer
AJZ: "I'm American! I don't have to eat here!"
GAT: I'm Greg! I'm wearing jeans!

Re: death touch
AJZ: I'd rather touch myself.

Re: humans being from Africa
AJZ: We're all black anyway.

MD: It's like Alice in Wonderland!
GAT: Yes, except the Queen of Hearts didn't have nuclear weapons.

Re: Greek god of recycling
GAT: Recyclops?

(Don't know context)
GAT: If all else fails, rely on greed.

Conversation about WWF.
MD: What does it stand for?
GAT: World Wildlife Fund. (...) They had a disagreement with the World Wrestling Federation.
MD: Who won?
GAT: WWF.

Re: snorkeling > surfing
GAT: I'm attached to this piece of wood and a wave just hit me in the face.

MD: I'd go to a strip club with my dad.
JM: Wholesome...

One of the highest-rated jokes in Germany:
"Why is television called a medium?
Cause it is neither rare nor well done."

GAT: Oww! We're worse than random chance.

GAT: Pixels! Pixels everywhere!

Re: hoof oil.
SD: A co sie z tym robi?
MD: Smaruje sie kopytka.
SD: To ja tez chce
MD: Nie masz kopytek
SD: Mam, mrozone, ale mam

MD: Wykrakali!
MD: <penguin emot> (kruk to mial byc xD)
SD: To pingwin chyba
MD: Cicho! Mowie ze kruk to kruk!
SD: Kruk, a to bialy kruk co robi kruku ryku! <white chicken emot>

MD: Szybko wybrali nowego papieza, nie?
SD: Ale nie zaprosili Cie na interview...
MD: Niestety nie. I'm surprised...what with me being a celibate, ordained, male Roman Catholic!

***********************************************

From the Dictionary Book: 
(I haven't used it in a while. I barely remember the context of any of this!)

LDC: <epically> And then we went to the museum. There were ponies. We made rosettes. GAT made bunting.

"Home-made baby skin books. Locally produced. Sewn together with care. Free-range."

(Ahh, the importance of punctuation! I have no idea what this was supposed to mean, so I'm just putting it on here in "raw" format.)
LDC: No weed runs my account anyway.

Re: ink-blob test
LDC: What do you see in this one? CROWS EATING BABIES!

LDC: Just to spit on cancer. But not in a good way. Like... spitting on cancer patients.

(This was in the middle of a conversation between me and LDC. I suspect it was a joint effort.)
"Put sunglasses on her. And then give her rohypnol. (...) And then wake her up with chlorophorm. (...) And tell her she was attacked by a punk tornado. (...) Otherwise she'd get suspicious."

LDC: No, no. It's not rohypnol or chloroform. It's actually side effects of the LSD the tornado gave you.
MD: I don't know how to spell "rohypnol" or "chloroform"...
LDC: I don't know either. I just know how to use them.

Re: Indian side-dishes
GAT: After this it'll be like eating a sponge.

GAT: It's a film prop! If they don't show it - it doesn't exist!

Re: Se7en and people touching the crime scene
SW: STOP TOUCHING TIHNGS!

On the phone to her parents I assume. Talking about her broken foot (I hope!)
AJZ: Siedzimy u Marty... No wytrzymuje...
MD: !

Re: the fucking karaoke that a lot of intelligent people were too stupid to understand!
AJZ: Why isn't she coming?
MD: Because she's busy on the 3rd.
AJZ: ¬_¬

What?
AJZ: Me going "Charlie" and it's going "Quosta"?

AJZ: Yes. We are going hunting. We just bought some hounds.

AJZ: We Wtorek o czwartej.
DHC: We czwartek?

AJZ: Widzialam jak moja babcia dostala pedicure.

AJZ: Bozenka palila (crossed out: Marzenke!) Maryske.

AJZ: We don't pee out of our vaginas.
TJEW: WE don't pee out of our vaginas!

GLSB: She said TJEW should fight women because men have too much of an advantage over him.

MD: Are you talking about STDs?
TJEW: Yes.
(AJZ: And from TJEW...)
TJEW: Whoa! No...

DHC: Co to jest naglosnia?

Re: mine and AJZ's conversations.
DHC: I speak Polish but it doesn't help to understand what you're saying.

Re: message (One of those Cancer-awareness put your status as "Pineapple" if you're single things...)
AJZ: Kurwa! Borowka truskawka kurwa!

"Reveals Kate as you've never seen her before"
AJZ: Lying down?

(I think this is re: their neighbour)
JGHYB: She says she has a baby. Which I think is code for some post-natal disorder.

JGHYB: Oh... A prepositional joke...

(Re: AET)
TJEW: Every time I saw the bathroom door close and heard a noise like a roaring lion - it was your ass!

TJEW: That's not true! I do sometimes give up my seat. It's just I'm not always on public transport with DML.

Re: Chinese names.
JGHYB: It was normal for people in my community to call themselves Wellington.

Re: Chinese names.
DML: She called herself "Wisely" because she got told to choose wisely.

DML (to GLSB): I do not remember you being physically fit EVER.

Re: Glee
AJZ: One of them is disabled, don't be mean.
DML: No he's not...

DML: I'm always frank.
TJEW: No you're not. You're D.

Jewish...
GLSB: By name. By nose.

Re: GLSB's room
TJEW: The J. Fritzel memorial room.

Re: squashed Wagon Wheel
AET: You don't know when the packaging lost integrity.

JGHYB (to AJZ): Your shoes don't match!

I remember this being a predictive text mishap, but I don't know what the context was:
"MIPS sexy ok"

Also:
"Velcro. What a rip off!"
If anyone feels this way about Velcro, let me know?

Evening of catch up with the E.E. crew:

Re: twins
PRS: Sometimes nature would do better dedicating her energy to one done well than two purely for numbers. The idea being "Quality over quantity". They're both really bad. And the one that we've got is the better one!

"Lord homosexual (Sir Gay/ Sergey)"

KJZ: Is it like pork skin?
RPP: LIKE FORESKIN?!

LDC: Get a pony. Call it My Little.

DHC: Po prostu moje male radosci musisz podeptac.

MD: Czyli nie ma np: "pedagogika"?
DHC: Nie. Tak to dziala. Za to jest "pies" i "kot".

MD: I was reading a book about spirit animals today...
GAT: I'm imagining a wolf made of vodka.

Re: elusive Belgian balloons
MD: G, where can people be getting these balloons from?
GAT: I think they have been crafted and handed down the families.

GAT: It's a traditional Belgian hula camel.

Re: bananas and weight measuring at Sainbury's self-checkouts
GAT: If you're gonna steal by weight...

GAT: Anyone who is dishing out biscuits to children that are biting each other can fuck straight off.

GAT: Targeted random security checks.

Re: Boris' bus announcements
MD: What was he saying?
GAT: "Big Brother is good"?
MD: Oh... What else was he saying?
GAT: ..."Glory to the state"?



***********************************************
The evening I got my results (Earl of Camden with GAT, XRL, JM and TJEW):


Re: me being in awe of Sierra and DWS having the same phone as me.
XRL: Do you MAKE these phones?

XRL: When were you in the army? What the fuck is going on?!

XRL: To me, people who don't drink alcohol are paedophiles.

XRL: You're drinking some water-based alcohol.

XRL: By default, West Ham are the best team!
JM: But they're not playing!

JM: I drink alcohol sometimes.
XRL: That's what all paedophiles say!

JM: So basically all people are paedophiles, except XRL and AET.

[Some omitted, as were a little too far, even by my standards. XRL, if you're reading this and you're interested in what horrific things you've said - gimme a bell. x]

XRL: Law is made by man. Maths is made by GOD!

XRL: Your Motherfield which is a shopping centre in London, is weird.
MD: Westfield?
XRL: YES!

XRL: What's your father's name?
MD: Slawek.
XRL: What's his SURNAME?
MD: ...

"Charles Darwin getting savaged with a pen."

XRL: You punch people until you get your way.

XRL: What are you having for dinner?
MD: PCKAAAA!!!
XRL: A CHICKEN?!

JM: Would you give up booze for a week to meet Ellen Page?
XRL: Maybe two days...
(...)
XRL: I'd give YOU up to meet her.
JM: That's not relevant.
XRL: Yes it is. I like you J!

XRL: You know I love you and I'd never sell your body parts to meet Ellen Page.
JM: I feel there's a 'but' coming on...

TJEW: <hits glass on table> LAUGH!

TJEW: They put bags under his plastic eyes.

XRL (to TJEW): I need the bathroom. Join me!

TJEW: XR, what happened to my fag? By which I mean the cigarette, not GLSB.

TJEW: Is it necrophilia if you really love the corpse and you warm it up first?

TJEW: Have you ever thought about what it would be like to marry a witch?
XRL: I've thought about what it'd be like to marry you.

XRL (to JM): Hey! Lord Farquad!


***********************************************
Miscellaneous:

ET: Just...horses... They have so many legs!

MD: Death is upon me!
GA: No, that's the duvet.


(Found in drafts. Not sure of context, but I assume it was SD)
"Zeby przyspieczyc proces zmiekczania makaronu"

GAT: It's gonna sound like I don't respect her job... I don't respect her job!

MD: You can't do that while I'm talking about raping puppies!

TJEW: Why are there tweezers in the coffee machine?

MD: Fucking hiccups.
AJZ: BLOWFISH!

AJZ: Brokeback Cranleigh Street.

MD: I'm helping!
GAT: Really? Could have fooled me.

GAT: HE DOES NOT DESERVE A PRINCESS!

Re: Lego pooing on her shelf.
GAT: I don't know if I could poo with that accuracy from that height.

MJS: Salem? Salem is back?
MD: Yeah, the black one.
MJS: Oh, that black one! That's horrible, that's not Salem!

Re: dupa sticker
MD: Na czole sobie naklej.
TSD: Na dupie sobie naklej.

TSD: Poczekaj, wniose swinke bo mi zimno.
SD: To swinka Cie ogrzeje?

MD & SD: Kupie (poo, not buying) smoothie :(

GAT: What is this and why is it triangular?

XRL: We can start a band.
MD: I can sing. What can you do?
XRL: Everything else!

XRL: They have a Native American breeding centre?

MD: This song makes no sense! "Moves like Jagger"??
XRL: Yeah, like Mick Jagger.
MD: Does he have moves?
XRL: Hahahahaha- No.

Re: sex toys
MD: Was it for guys or girls?
AJZ: For elephants I think.

Re: making space for GAT to lie down.
GAT: How can I feet?
MD: I am in the box.

While typing out the above.
MD: Would TJEW say "ass" or "arse"?
GAT: I'd say "ass".
MD: I didn't ask what you'd say!


***********************************************
08/02/13 - I was finally smart enough to date something! :D 

GLSB: T is fun to be fair.
MD: Is K not fun?
GLSB: ...K is a very old friend of mine.

Re: kissing GLSB
ANH: Mouth smells like an ashtray. Might as well lick a piece of coal.

TJEW: Who doesn't like drinking piss?
GLSB: <Censored for his peace of mind. Contact for details.>
Re: me writing down the above
GLSB: NO M! NO! I WILL GO TO PRISON!

MD: What's wrong with Belgium?
TJEW: It's fucking full of Belgiums.

Re: accents in French
MD: Can you tell if they're Swiss?
TJEW: Yes. Because they're boring.

Re: recycling pile
ANH: You're disturbing my landfill!

TJEW: Where's GLSB? I thought he flushed?!

The Duck is Buck!

So, I haven't posted anything in a while.

Rest assured that it is not because my friends and family have lost their hilarity, I was simply being lazy.

I have, however, been meticulously recording quotes over the past few months (OK, a lot of months.) and have just about managed to catch up with typing everything out.

Enjoy! :)

-MD x