Defrosting another flatmate

Found a while ago. From a long, long time ago.

[Super.]

DWS: I clearly don't have the Oedipus complex, because you are nothing like my mother.

[Tempting...]

DWS: You have to come to the shed to see my socks,

DWS: Anyway enough about my orgasm of a meal, how was your night?

***

Pictionary & Countdown

[News from the fridge.]

GAT: I also found a pot of cream that went off on the 4th April. It gave me a funny look.

GAT: If you're going to play against me, I have to win. And I'm going to win by cheating. Fair?

MD: Yes.

***

Kill List [- what an awful film! But I did like this one bit.]

[Re: Christians singing in the restaurant. Beautiful.]

X: God's love can be hard to swallow. 

Y: Not as hard as a dinner plate. 

***

The Union and beyond

TJEW: Knock, knock.

HY: Who's there?

TJEW: Interrupting cow.

HY: Interrupting cow wh- TJEW: MOOOO! 

HY: OK... That's not the sloth joke though.

GLSB: I'll go to the zoo <Swiss accent> knok, knok... 

[Apparently re: dying GAT's hair...]

GLSB: I've become powerful somehow.

AJZ: There were twigs and leaves... He was like grazing in the forest. 

TJEW: Shit Twitter. That's the best thing my phone gives me. 

TJEW: It'd make the mile high club that much more difficult. You'd be having sex on a toilet. In a plane. A mile from the ground.

[AET vs umbrella]

JM: It has more rational political views.

[Ahh, yes... Logic, my old friend, we meet again!]

GAT: I'm not drunk, I just drank too much beer.

GLSB: I'm quite a heavy sleeper. 

TJEW: Yes. As I've discovered. 

AET: All I'm imagining now is Edward Scissorhands trying to play the piano. 

TJEW: I will do whatever so long as my suit doesn't get ruined.

TJEW: Oh MD, you are giving me so many reasons for why this isn't my problem. 

HY: With JM. Who is the most legal looking person in the world. 

[Re: AET's beer]

MD: JM, dip your penis in it!

MP: "Dip" is just a funny verb...

MD: Put your penis in it!

MP: Dip!

JM: How else would I do it?

MP: Lengthy stay? 

GAT: Marinade? 

MP: Who has a small penis? 

JM: Has our party sort of dwindled? 

AET: Fortunately I'm not in the business of using my facial hair as a - JM: CHIN STRAP! 

JM: You could shave off all your hair and leave a brow at the end. You could say you're so "highbrow" you've become "lowbrow".

TJEW: Then you'd be "backbrow"... 

JM: I hate it when people put walls in my holes.

[Don't know who this is from. It might even be a continuation of JM's quote. I was quite drunk at this stage, so Dictionary Book's annotations are all I have to go by now.]

x: You shit overboard and then dip a bit. Just like I did with TJEW's drink.

TJEW: <holds up pint glass> How did you fit your ass in this? 

GAT: The current music video is some kind of pasta porn. 

[Re: our hardcore neighbour, who stays up way past midnight! :O]

GAT: Owww, even the pirate is still up!

MD: Why the hell is there a hair dryer here? JM, what the hell have you been doing?

JM: Defrosting another flatmate.
[To put this in context: he recently kindly warmed me up using a hair dryer and hot water (Not together! I'm sure that would be considered "attempted murder" by a court of law.)  after a frosty morning jog (in mid-May may I add.)]

***

Girls' night out 

[Playing Articulate]

MD: Another word for "carpet". 

JAD: RUG! 

MD: Nevermind...

...

MD: It was "rag". Don't people say "You old rag"? 

JAD: No... They say "You old hag". 

[Nevermind then...]

JAD: It's like a male person, with a letter in front of it...

MD: OMAN! 

[IT WAS!!!]

JCV: I've been watching the people...

MD: ...Why? 

JCV: There's a table of sluts over there.

AJZ: That was a good high five! 

MD: ...You high five like a sloth.

***

AET's birthday

AET: I have a lit cigarette. You have eyes. Don't ever call me a liberal democrat again.

AET: Beer me. 

JM: Just whisky yourself. 

[Again, no author. Fuck you, tipsy-me.]

Fine, I bow to your superior knowledge of...tapes. 

AET: I never know if it's "duck" tape or "duct" tape. 

JM: Shut the duck up! 

AET: Suck the duck fuck.

JM: ...Probably exhausted that line there.

[Re: smoking making you cool]

AET: Look at Humphrey Bogart.

TJEW: He's dead. 

AET: OK. Look at Frank Sinatra. 

TJEW: He's also dead.

JM: I don't know, if I was taking a whippet on a night out... [I stopped listening. I wish I hadn't.]

[Re: AJZ being allergic to fish food]

JM: I thought to feed them you had to put your hand through a layer of excrement.

[Re: JM's hairiness.]

AJZ: Nice. Primal. 

AET: You took a shit?! I thought you were just taking the piss! 

TJEW: I think there's wrestling going on. Or possibly boxing. 

[Re: pub owner living for a really long time]

HY: There's gotta be some...subliminal urge.

[Re: awkward introductions]

AET: I don't know. How do normal people deal with social interactions?

***

Miscellaneous 

GAT: What's my favourite book? 

MD: Ummmmm...

GAT: Think Highgate Cemetery.

MD: Ooh! DAS KAPITAL! 

GAT: Yes, 'cause I'm all about the Marx... 

[Written down by GAT. I disapprove. I was working on a duck website picture and learning Photoshop.]

MD: Feet, toes... Where is my beak?! 

GAT: Apparently electrical stimulation to the brain can drastically improve mathematical ability. 

MD: But does it reduce your social skills?

GAT: I don't know. But I like how you think there's a link. Thanks! 

MD: Did you just sit in cake? 

GAT: No. I stepped in pie. 

MD: What are you wielding? 

GAT: I'LL WIELD WHATEVER I LIKE!

MD: I didn't say "Don't wield that".... 

[Re: Beauty and the Beast]
GAT: Also a drawful of spoons just became a drawful of like 35 people

[Re: male purpose/ego]
GAT: We don't have tigers anymore. We're down to jars.

A: I'm surprised you're a comic.
DC: Why? Do you not think that I'm funny?

MD: Tatusiu, dlaczego lapales kurczaki?
SD: A tak dla zabawy.

GAT: What? Drug dealers aren't allowed strippers?
MD: No.
GAT: You racist!

GAT: No. I don't listen to organs.

MD: You know like "murder of crows" - what is a herd of children?
GAT: A twat. A twat of children.

GAT: Hey! There's a fly on me. It can stay.

GAT: I've just had a brilliant idea, somewhere between communist propaganda and an American election poster. "Who can? Genghis Khan!"
MD: I don't know how to spell "Genghis Khan".
GAT: K-H-A-N
MD: I know that. I don't know how to spell "Genghis".

GAT: You should get a horn. That'd work.
MD: I don't think that'd work for JM.
GAT: Oh well. There are always civilian casualties.

[Re: British weather etc]
AJZ: I can't believe people started a country here.

[Re: some forum website]
GAT: Every question is answered by someone who sounds like they have a PhD in everything.

GAT: "Hand wash and Kosher Waffle Land"... WHAT?!

[Re: ruining pony visits]
GAT: Yes. I'm sabotaging shit because I don't like efficiency.

GAT: There's a penis on the table and I didn't even draw it. It just appeared off its own accord.

[Not sure of context or author.]
I'm going to die of betes two years ago.

[Re: Trying to wiggle coconut up from waist to face. Impossible!]
JM: Yes. Blame the coconut.

[Re: deep fried Mars bar]
MD: Are you scared?
JM: No. I have you as a human shield.
MD: Not of the oil, of the Mars bar!
JM: Oh. No. I don't tend to be scared of chocolate bars.

[Re: girls of GoT]
GAT: There's the slightly chavy ginger Eskimo.

[Re: chinese lanterns being eaten by zoo animals]
SD: Glupie takie ptaki "O cos lezy! To zjem."

SD: Chyba nikt nie zdechl.

A: What's the dog got to do with four muffins?
S: It has a moustache?

[Re: M and JGHYB sleeping in the lounge]
JCV: We'll come down to blood and feathers.

GAT: Seriously, your job involves unwrapping hungover bears!

[Re: someone changing their baby's nappy in Sainsbury's.]
GAT: And it smells. Like shit. Like actual human shit! 

Video: Adults go to work...
GAT: WHYYYY?!

GAT: So the moral of the story is "don't have threesomes with your prison friends".
[This story: http://www.upi.com/blog/2013/02/14/Man-stabbed-after-refusing-to-change-positions-during-threesome/1911360866370/]

GAT: And I will throw Japanese Yen about...

[I said tell me a story, as my recovering knee was almost re-breaking, was almost freezing to death with a twenty minute walk ahead of us through a British muddy countryside.]
GAT: Once upon a time there was a parallelogram...

GAT: It's a holiday house. Designed from designer magazines. Several inconsistent designer magazines.

M: I can get you a Schleich cat.
JB: I don't want a cat. I want a Schleich animal.
M: I can get you a Schleich animal, but it's gonna be a cat.

GAT: Quick! Google wombat poo!
MD: I'm already doing it!

[Just a sign.]
"Safe children's play area.
Bikers welcome."

A therapist's wet dream

DHC: Dzisiaj jest "Rihanna i Dresy" Day. Kazdy przychodzi z podbitym okiem.

MD: I will even bring my own equipment.
DHC: Can you bring your pulse this time?

Re: Big McDonald's chip
MD: Ziemniaki nie sa takie duze
DHC: Moze to banan?

Re: Monopoly board
DHC: Takie same ulice jak w zeszlym roku?

MD: Jada na narty do Francji.
DHC: Czemu tylko jedna osoba ma narty? Beda sie dzielic?

DHC: No ale ryby to nie mieso?


[To AJZ. Ahh, 21st century...]
MD: <passes pen> Do you want to type?

MD: Are there full-sized fairies?
GLSB: Not unless you mean the derogatory term to describe homosexuals...

[Don't sound like Gypsies at all...]
AJZ: I remember sitting in the yard doing the hog party.

MD: What happens in Ethiopia?
AJZ: Just general African things like rape and stuff.

MD: You're going to look like Churchill!
GLSB: Gaddafi is what I'm hoping for!

Re: shopping list.
MD: Do you want me to write it down?
GLSB: No, I'm sure I'll remember...

...To call you.

XRL: I don't have socks in there. You guys are weird! 

Re: training children.

XRL: I could set them easier challenges like... fight a snail when they're a baby. 

MD: Boys suck.

JAD: See, she's gay!

XRL: You don't have to worry about gassing Arians! 

XRL: Me and Avril Lavigne could be friends.

MD: Yeah, naked friends...

XRL: If she washed her hair more often...

Re: Ellen

XRL: I'd like her job. Not as a lesbian. I don't think that's even a job.

XRL: If religious people hate science so much they should just go without the things science has given them and see how they go. They can like...walk with sandals and eat fish from the sea. 

XRL: There's no honour in being a suicide bomber. 

MD: Are Korea going to start World War 3? 

XRL: No. Because Korea are just one country, not the whole world. 

MRT: You are like a therapist's wet dream right now.

MRT: I do not have a WKD side. I have a good pint of ale side! 

Re: the above

MRT: If I die - will you put that on my tombstone? 

MRT: I'm sure we had some good times. I don't think we were naked for any of them, but I'm sure we had some good times. 

MJS: Did he promise to buy you jodhpurs and then buy you said promised jodhpurs? 

MD: Does it not bother you that you've finished uni and your girlfriend is still in college? 

MRT: NOT girlfriend! 

MD: OK, not girlfriend... 

MRT: Yeah. A bit.

...On the other hand - I've still got it!

MRT: And if he became a woman I'd probably love him in a different way.

MD: I bet you would!

MRT: Nah, I don't think he'd be my kind of woman...

[Ahh, the sad, half-drunk realisation...Re: Using the Duck for employment purposes...]

MD: I have a blog. But I can't tell anyone. It's like being Batman... 

LDC: Hello! I'd like a metal head-pyramid please ... It's to stop the aliens, you know! 

LDC: Pyramid-transmission device. 

[LDC & Judgemental Waiter re: moisturiser. Lolz]

LDC: That's why men can't wear moisturiser! Unless it says like "metal" or "man...flavoured". Ew. No. Not that.

Metro, Wed 17 April 2013, p.15: 

"The fat Newcastle thug who hit a police horse in the face is the lowest of the low and I hope he is severely dealt with." 

[Also, interview with the guy who did it, who was all disgusted with his behaviour. Just. What the hell?]

RJB: You've been racist twice this evening.

MD: I'm pretty sure "gay" isn't a race? 

RJB: Oh...yeah...

<complex topic>

MD: Yeah...

RJB: Yeah... UNICORNS.

Congratuwelldone! [AKA:AJZ&MDonFBK]

So that's mine and AJZ's facebook history sifted through. I now have a couple of phones to get through as well, so more to follow. [Apologies to anyone nosey/bored enough to be reading this for the bilinguality. Which should totally be a word. Or bilingualness.

The word "bilingual" has now lost all meaning to me.

Oh well...]

[Well, I'm glad that's settled then!]

MD: clothes are a plus when meeting pompous medics

MD: wstalam o 3 i zdecydowalam ze mi za goraco i musze sie rozebrac...ale cos mi z tym nie wyszlo i sie obudzilam z jedna noga w nogawce i bluzce na biodrach... :/// lol

["Fuckdie" makes an appearance quite a few times from both of us... Worrying.]

AJZ: haha w ogole jest glupi ja mu łaske robie chce byc polite mowie so i can walk u downstairs.. a on taki 'no im find ill walk myself out' a ja <jigglypuff> 'OK whatever... fuckdie' 

[Some Polish jokes.]

<max12>przejebane, mam dwie laski i obie dostały okres w tym samym czasie

<seba>przejebane bys miał jakby obie nie dostały

kryzys dotknal Szwajcarie, co czwarte dziecko nie ma iPoda

<Severius> jeżeli w ameryce dostaniesz karę 250lat więzienia

<Severius> to jak zdechniesz w celi

<Severius> to twoje truchło będzie czekało do końca kary?

<Matek ™> wiadomo

<Matek ™> ale moze wyjsc za dobre sprawowanie

<lyczos>omg ,ludzie to mnie czasem dobijają.. : D

<Tabrox> ?

<lyczos> bo wiesz, ja pracuje na infolinii w 36.6 - tych od tel. kom

<Tabrox>no i?

<lyczos>i dzowni dziś koleś i że on wolałby jednak tego bobra

<bio> Prawdziwy mężczyzna nie je miodu, tylko żuje pszczoły 

<Dhenuka> w kawiarniach powinni serwować kawe dla emo... byłaby czarna, z czaszka na filiżance, zamiast ciasteczka kawałek szkła i nazywałaby się 'depresso'

<Konsi> kiedyś dorwe tego chuja co tak wkręca te czupaczupsy w ten pierdolony papierek >.>

<kalas> wiesz jak się nazywa samica psa?

<wacu> no suka...

<kalas> a samica konia?

<wacu> klacz?

<kalas> a samica rysia?

<wacu> a skąd mam wiedzieć? rysiowa, rysinka?

<kalas> grażynka 

[And then some English jokes. These aren't nearly as funny...]

<JonTG> Man, my penis is so big if I laid it out on a keyboard it'd go all the way from A to Z

<JonTG> wait, shit

<Batty> Euch, rap is just missing one letter. c.

<zeep> rapc?

<Batty> ...

<Batty> Crap you idiot. you put the c on the other end

<zeep> oic

<Batty> Though you could also say it's missing an e

<zeep> wtf is erap?

* Batty bangs his head repeatedly against a wall

[Small victories?]

AJZ: chumorze humorze what - ever  brzmi tak samo wiec wszyscy tanczmy... ja tez jestem w zlym humorze do tego stopnia ze ciesze sie ze wszystkiego zrobilam siku YAYY!!!

MD: LOL!moge sie z toba cieszyc? XD z czegos w koncu musze! haha XD

[Ahh, the beauty of online dating. I actually quite liked this one. It's original!]

After careful consideration of your profile, I would just like to let you know that I have already married and divorced you in my head. Your police career path totally wouldn't work with my [legit] job.

Thanks so much for all the wonderful imaginary memories...you'll always have a place in my heart.

Your ex-hubby,

RRJ

P.S. You can keep the horse and I'll keep the house in Hawaii.

[Swine flu embarrassment]

AJZ: ja nie chce umierac na swinska grype? jak to brzmi... umarla! na co? na swinska grype (nie nie nie nie!!!)

MD: :((( iiik. to zapisz sie kude no!!! nie umieraj! Jak umrzesz to ci na nagrobku napisze 'zmarla smiercia swinsko-grypna' XD

[Fat back...]

MD: zdecydowalam ze mam grube plecy XD

hahahaha how the fuck mozna miec grube plecy? XD

[Nie kradnij.]

AJZ: czy ty ukradlas mi klucze? 

MD: LMAO!

nie chyba nie??? =|

hold on...

nie? :S lol

AJZ: :P:P nie no ale to chwila... to gdzie jest moj pies i moja voodoo doll? 

no bez jaj :D:D:D LOL

[Dafaq?]

AJZ: witam cie.

pozdrawiam,

twoj pokoj

[Hooray for verbalmashups!]

AJZ: congratuwelldone :P:P:P UCL - best emergency planners in a whole wide world damnit!

[More jokes.]

<m4tt> wiesz.. 67% dziewczyn nie uzywa mozgu

<funky_girl> ja naleze do tych 13 %

<birdy> czaisz akcję?

<birdy> jadę ostatnio autobusem.

<birdy> miejsca zajęte, jakaś starsza kobitka stoi

<birdy> jakiś dwumetrowy paker się poczuł, podszedł do niej i ją pod boczek prowadzi do siedzienia

<birdy> "babcia se pierdolnie"

<sacrum_profanum> kurwa jak pomysle ze mam wstawac w niedziele o 6 rano to chuj mnie strzela normalnie

<Ja> a po co tak rano?

<sacrum_profanum> do roboty kurwa

<Ja> a gdzie pracujesz?

<sacrum_profanum> ksiedzem jestem

a propos morgue talk

<Cyb> Słuchaj, jaka historia

<Alq> dajesz

<Cyb> Koleżance mojej kuzynki

<Cyb> coś sie złego działo w pochwie i okolicach, jakieś swędzenie i te sprawy

<Cyb> To poszła do lekarza

<Cyb> i lekarz tam wykrył jakiegoś grzyba

<Cyb> i nie wiedział, jak go leczyc, bo on wystepuje tylko u trupów

<Alq> ano, trupów sie nie leczy 

<Cyb> ale zczaj to

<Cyb> jej facet pracuje w kostnicy...

<kasia> cze, poklikamy

<jebie_twiją_starą> zobacz moj nick

<kasia> no widze i co ?

<jebie_twiją_starą> nie rozumiesz...

<kasia> nie, ale moze sie lepiej poznamy 

<jebie_twiją_starą> ja cie znam

<kasia> z kad ?

<jebie_twiją_starą> popatrz na moj nick...

<kasia> tata ?

<Tom> Ej, wytłumacz mi o co biega. Dzwoni moja dziewczyna i składa mi życzenia. Powaliło ją czy jak? Urodziny mam w październiku a imieniny w grudniu. Dzisiaj jest jakieś święto?

<GK> 23.06 - Dzień Ojca 

<Tom>...

<Tom>o ja pierdolę...

<kreks> ale jestem brzydki

<wojt> a ja jestem za gruby 

<noisy> nobody is perfect...

<nobody> thx 

[Ahh, casual equine racism...]

MD: 'Arise and shine beautiful. Hope you slept well? It's a lovely & blessed day but not as lovely and blessed as you i bet'

Czy ja zamawialam rycerza na bialym koniu?  niech on sie wali! nie chce go!!!!! :@ ([name] btw!!)

(LOL to chyba rycerza na czarnym koniu; tak zeby nie bylo ze jeszcze jestem rasistowska o koniach tez XD )

[OMG THERE WAS A QUOTES BLOG BEFORE THE DUCK!!! Gotta say, not proud of the name, but awww!]

http://allthequeensbanter.blogspot.co.uk/2009/05/0102-05-09.html

Voice:

'looks like he's already picked up his mistletoe mate'

Subtitles:

'looks like he has already picked up his vessel to mate'

[Always good to stay positive.]

MD: JUZ NIE ZYJEMY!!!  

wszyscy umrzemy  a ci co nie umra beda w zajebistych kosmicznych skafandrach chodzic jak na filmach sci-fi 

[Ambitions.]

AJZ: slucham gold digger bo to moj anthem ;P lol

[Ahh, of course.. Classic tell-tale signs]

"He put two x's on a message to you last night which makes it reasonably suspicious silly"

[All viable potential answer to the news that a boy likes me?]

AJZ: no ale co mu odpisalas: thank you very much? cool? kiss my ass? 

[Bonifacy & Rzezucha being particularly hilarious words... Apparently...]

[Want.]

MD: ..chce tosta :(

AJZ: chcesz tosta?! lol bardzo sprecyzowane masz dzisiaj 'zachcianki' haha

[Aaand a great first world problem:]

MD: fantastycznie,

rodzice mi przyslali ksiazke o hieroglifach.

great, now i can fail WITH THEIR HELP!!

[As if I could ever judge!] 

AJZ: ale ale zanim calkiem stracisz do mnie szacunek to opowiem ci jak to bylo

[Splywa po tobie ;)]

AJZ: i ich tu jest tylu i sie gapia i nie moge. prawie na siebie picie wylewam bo czuje ich wzrok na sobie :S

AJZ: o cos buduja

DHC: no to chyba jakis stadion, jak ten na stradford

AJZ: nie nie nie, stadion jest zwykle szerszy niz wyzszy, DUH!

DHC: oj! no bo ten jest do quiditcha!

[Nie ladnie!]

MD: LMAO! a mnie rozbawilo to - 

taki chlopak na naszej klasie ma zdjecie jak gra w pilke nozna...i opis zdjecia jest "na pełnej kurwie w niego!!:]"

A jakas ciocia jego komentarz dodala: '

Michale jesteś fajny facet i nie przystoi taki język.'

[Mam na dzieje ze ty wiesz, bo ja nie.]

MD: O A I (LOL! coherent XD ale wiesz o co chodzi...)

[Language barrier?]

(narzekalam ze zle tam kobiety pracowaly. i mowie:)

MD: Odbieraja telefon i krzycza 'ELECTRIC BEACH?!'

(Oczy SD O.O takie.) MD: ???

.....

MD: W sensie ze Elektryczna Plaza...o co chodzi? :S

SD: ...AAAA! Bo ja myslalem ze Elektryczna SUKA.

[Just my gay cat.]

MD: zalozylam harness na bossmana..LOL wyglada na geja xd

[I knew it!]

MD: oj. the evidence is stacking up! bossman biega ze spinka do wlosow

[Thanks man...]

AJZ: see... u turn everyone around you gay!

[Poezja.]

MD: bossman wlasnie doznal swojej pierwszej erekcji!!! 

MD:Plakalam do babci na jego temat. 

Nazwala go szmata! LMFAO!

AJZ: HAHAHAHA!!! uwielbiam twoja babcie... moja babcia to by cos polamentowala o kosciele i tyle.

[QL!]

MD;ktos

na pof mi napisal wiadomosc o tresci: 'Helloski' Zabic skurwysyna  lol

AJZ: lololol  dżizas staraaa, on tylko probuje byc ql 

[Just. Wow.]

MD:wabi sie (bitter? me? never :P) albatrosy maja bardzo ekskluzywne rogowki.

[Bo ktos mi napisal ze jestem "pheasant".]

MD: my god. how can you fuck up my favourite insult.  twat.

[Jokes'n'tingz]

Customer: 'I've been ringing 0800 2100 for two days and can't get through to enquiries, can you help?'.

Operator: 'Where did you get that number from, sir?'.

Customer: 'It was on the door to the Travel Centre'.

Operator: 'Sir, they are our opening hours'.

---------------------------------------------------------------

Samsung Electronics

Caller: 'Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?'

Operator: 'I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about'.

Caller: 'On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?'

Operator: 'I think you mean the telephone point on the wall'.

---------------------------------------------------------------

RAC Motoring Services

Caller: 'Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am travelling in Australia ?'

Operator: ' Doesn't the product name give you a clue?'

---------------------------------------------------------------

Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while travelling in France ):

'If I register my car in France , do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?'

---------------------------------------------------------------

Directory Enquiries

Caller: 'I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff please'.

Operator: 'I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?'

Caller: 'Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off'.

---------------------------------------------------------------

Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.

Operator: 'Woven? Are you sure?'

Caller: 'Yes. That's what it says on the label; Woven in Scotland '.

---------------------------------------------------------------

On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator:

“I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on'.

---------------------------------------------------------------

Tech Support: 'I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop'.

Customer: 'OK'.

Tech Support: 'Did you get a pop-up menu?'.

Customer: 'No'.

Tech Support: 'OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?'

Customer: 'No'.

Tech Support: 'OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?'.

Customer: 'Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click''.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Tech Support: 'OK. In the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?'

Customer: 'Wow. How can you see my screen from there?'

------------------------------------------------------------------

Caller: 'I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have just realised that I need it. If I turn my system clock back two weeks will I have my file back again?'.

------------------------------------------------------------------

I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for 'Termination without Cause'.

Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee.

(Now I know why they record these conversations!):

Operator: 'Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?'

Caller: 'Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect.'

Operator: 'What sort of trouble??'

Caller: 'Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.'

Operator: 'Went away?'

Caller: 'They disappeared.'

Operator: 'Hmm So what does your screen look like now?'

Caller: 'Nothing.'

Operator: 'Nothing??'

Caller: 'It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.'

Operator: 'Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??'

Caller: 'How do I tell?'

Operator: 'Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??'

Caller: 'What's a sea-prompt?'

Operator: 'Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?'

Caller: 'There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type.'

Operator: 'Does your monitor have a power indicator??'

Caller: 'What's a monitor?'

Operator: 'It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??'

Caller: 'I don't know.'

Operator: 'Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??'

Caller: 'Yes, I think so.'

Operator: 'Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.

Caller: 'Yes, it is.'

Operator: 'When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??'> Caller: 'No.'

Operator: 'Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.'

Caller: 'Okay, here it is.'

Operator: 'Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer.'

Caller: 'I can't reach.'

Operator: 'Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??'

Caller: 'No.'

Operator: 'Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??'

Caller: 'Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark.'

Operator: 'Dark??'

Caller: 'Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.

'Operator: 'Well, turn on the office light then.'

Caller: 'I can't.

'Operator: 'No? Why not??'

Caller: 'Because there's a power failure.'

Operator: 'A power......... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now.

Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??'

Caller: 'Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.'

Operator: 'Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.'

Caller: 'Really? Is it that bad?'

Operator: 'Yes, I'm afraid it is.'

Caller: 'Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??'s

Operator: 'Tell them you're too f --- ing stupid to own a computer!!'

[Beautifully concluded. No idea who this was about.]

AJZ: anyway. <hugs> i agree she IS a cocksucking whore!

[Major cringe!!!]

There's a group called 

'my turban brings all the girls to the yard, an theyre like mohammed ur hard'

[Seems plausible.]

AJZ: and there's something form poland for you. im suspecting your grandma. something makes a sandy noise inside the envelope when you pick it up so might be a chain or a crushed cookie LMAO or... sand.

[No context. Shame.]

MD: I said 'what the fuck, who blended SRx?!' xD

[Internet dating gold:]

'I'm such a good lover because

I practice a lot on my own'

[Sound rebound advice.]

MD: lol rebound has to be with random guys!!!

AJZ: cover his head with something and act surprised? 

:D:D:D

[Ahh, who needs the tune when you have become psychically in-tune lemmings...]

MD: donedoneDONEEEE!

AJZ: is it meant to sound like <the doom is upon us> sound LOL?

MD: YES IT WAS!!! ILOVEYOUMARRYME? ;D

[Co? "Jasiek skunks"?] 

MD: Byli: byk, gruby i lysy, ludwik, jasiek skunks, zwariowany dzordz. I tyle. Nawet nie ma ptasicy. I caly czas mnie zostawiaja ze skunksem.

Public Shaming

This has made me cringe more than anything else on the internet. (This is not a challenge, TJEW!)

http://publicshaming.tumblr.com/

I will probably forget about it soon, so I thought I'd post it here for safe keeping!

Why are there tweezers in the coffee machine?

Gathered on Sierra: 

Re: my clambering onto the bed with a broken knee
GLSB: You are a shit walrus!

GLSB: 1970s arcade porn!

Conversation before hand:
"Abattoir" is a nice word - deriving from French
GLSB: Chateaux de slaughter!

Re: a customer
AJZ: "I'm American! I don't have to eat here!"
GAT: I'm Greg! I'm wearing jeans!

Re: death touch
AJZ: I'd rather touch myself.

Re: humans being from Africa
AJZ: We're all black anyway.

MD: It's like Alice in Wonderland!
GAT: Yes, except the Queen of Hearts didn't have nuclear weapons.

Re: Greek god of recycling
GAT: Recyclops?

(Don't know context)
GAT: If all else fails, rely on greed.

Conversation about WWF.
MD: What does it stand for?
GAT: World Wildlife Fund. (...) They had a disagreement with the World Wrestling Federation.
MD: Who won?
GAT: WWF.

Re: snorkeling > surfing
GAT: I'm attached to this piece of wood and a wave just hit me in the face.

MD: I'd go to a strip club with my dad.
JM: Wholesome...

One of the highest-rated jokes in Germany:
"Why is television called a medium?
Cause it is neither rare nor well done."

GAT: Oww! We're worse than random chance.

GAT: Pixels! Pixels everywhere!

Re: hoof oil.
SD: A co sie z tym robi?
MD: Smaruje sie kopytka.
SD: To ja tez chce
MD: Nie masz kopytek
SD: Mam, mrozone, ale mam

MD: Wykrakali!
MD: <penguin emot> (kruk to mial byc xD)
SD: To pingwin chyba
MD: Cicho! Mowie ze kruk to kruk!
SD: Kruk, a to bialy kruk co robi kruku ryku! <white chicken emot>

MD: Szybko wybrali nowego papieza, nie?
SD: Ale nie zaprosili Cie na interview...
MD: Niestety nie. I'm surprised...what with me being a celibate, ordained, male Roman Catholic!

***********************************************

From the Dictionary Book: 
(I haven't used it in a while. I barely remember the context of any of this!)

LDC: <epically> And then we went to the museum. There were ponies. We made rosettes. GAT made bunting.

"Home-made baby skin books. Locally produced. Sewn together with care. Free-range."

(Ahh, the importance of punctuation! I have no idea what this was supposed to mean, so I'm just putting it on here in "raw" format.)
LDC: No weed runs my account anyway.

Re: ink-blob test
LDC: What do you see in this one? CROWS EATING BABIES!

LDC: Just to spit on cancer. But not in a good way. Like... spitting on cancer patients.

(This was in the middle of a conversation between me and LDC. I suspect it was a joint effort.)
"Put sunglasses on her. And then give her rohypnol. (...) And then wake her up with chlorophorm. (...) And tell her she was attacked by a punk tornado. (...) Otherwise she'd get suspicious."

LDC: No, no. It's not rohypnol or chloroform. It's actually side effects of the LSD the tornado gave you.
MD: I don't know how to spell "rohypnol" or "chloroform"...
LDC: I don't know either. I just know how to use them.

Re: Indian side-dishes
GAT: After this it'll be like eating a sponge.

GAT: It's a film prop! If they don't show it - it doesn't exist!

Re: Se7en and people touching the crime scene
SW: STOP TOUCHING TIHNGS!

On the phone to her parents I assume. Talking about her broken foot (I hope!)
AJZ: Siedzimy u Marty... No wytrzymuje...
MD: !

Re: the fucking karaoke that a lot of intelligent people were too stupid to understand!
AJZ: Why isn't she coming?
MD: Because she's busy on the 3rd.
AJZ: ¬_¬

What?
AJZ: Me going "Charlie" and it's going "Quosta"?

AJZ: Yes. We are going hunting. We just bought some hounds.

AJZ: We Wtorek o czwartej.
DHC: We czwartek?

AJZ: Widzialam jak moja babcia dostala pedicure.

AJZ: Bozenka palila (crossed out: Marzenke!) Maryske.

AJZ: We don't pee out of our vaginas.
TJEW: WE don't pee out of our vaginas!

GLSB: She said TJEW should fight women because men have too much of an advantage over him.

MD: Are you talking about STDs?
TJEW: Yes.
(AJZ: And from TJEW...)
TJEW: Whoa! No...

DHC: Co to jest naglosnia?

Re: mine and AJZ's conversations.
DHC: I speak Polish but it doesn't help to understand what you're saying.

Re: message (One of those Cancer-awareness put your status as "Pineapple" if you're single things...)
AJZ: Kurwa! Borowka truskawka kurwa!

"Reveals Kate as you've never seen her before"
AJZ: Lying down?

(I think this is re: their neighbour)
JGHYB: She says she has a baby. Which I think is code for some post-natal disorder.

JGHYB: Oh... A prepositional joke...

(Re: AET)
TJEW: Every time I saw the bathroom door close and heard a noise like a roaring lion - it was your ass!

TJEW: That's not true! I do sometimes give up my seat. It's just I'm not always on public transport with DML.

Re: Chinese names.
JGHYB: It was normal for people in my community to call themselves Wellington.

Re: Chinese names.
DML: She called herself "Wisely" because she got told to choose wisely.

DML (to GLSB): I do not remember you being physically fit EVER.

Re: Glee
AJZ: One of them is disabled, don't be mean.
DML: No he's not...

DML: I'm always frank.
TJEW: No you're not. You're D.

Jewish...
GLSB: By name. By nose.

Re: GLSB's room
TJEW: The J. Fritzel memorial room.

Re: squashed Wagon Wheel
AET: You don't know when the packaging lost integrity.

JGHYB (to AJZ): Your shoes don't match!

I remember this being a predictive text mishap, but I don't know what the context was:
"MIPS sexy ok"

Also:
"Velcro. What a rip off!"
If anyone feels this way about Velcro, let me know?

Evening of catch up with the E.E. crew:

Re: twins
PRS: Sometimes nature would do better dedicating her energy to one done well than two purely for numbers. The idea being "Quality over quantity". They're both really bad. And the one that we've got is the better one!

"Lord homosexual (Sir Gay/ Sergey)"

KJZ: Is it like pork skin?
RPP: LIKE FORESKIN?!

LDC: Get a pony. Call it My Little.

DHC: Po prostu moje male radosci musisz podeptac.

MD: Czyli nie ma np: "pedagogika"?
DHC: Nie. Tak to dziala. Za to jest "pies" i "kot".

MD: I was reading a book about spirit animals today...
GAT: I'm imagining a wolf made of vodka.

Re: elusive Belgian balloons
MD: G, where can people be getting these balloons from?
GAT: I think they have been crafted and handed down the families.

GAT: It's a traditional Belgian hula camel.

Re: bananas and weight measuring at Sainbury's self-checkouts
GAT: If you're gonna steal by weight...

GAT: Anyone who is dishing out biscuits to children that are biting each other can fuck straight off.

GAT: Targeted random security checks.

Re: Boris' bus announcements
MD: What was he saying?
GAT: "Big Brother is good"?
MD: Oh... What else was he saying?
GAT: ..."Glory to the state"?



***********************************************
The evening I got my results (Earl of Camden with GAT, XRL, JM and TJEW):


Re: me being in awe of Sierra and DWS having the same phone as me.
XRL: Do you MAKE these phones?

XRL: When were you in the army? What the fuck is going on?!

XRL: To me, people who don't drink alcohol are paedophiles.

XRL: You're drinking some water-based alcohol.

XRL: By default, West Ham are the best team!
JM: But they're not playing!

JM: I drink alcohol sometimes.
XRL: That's what all paedophiles say!

JM: So basically all people are paedophiles, except XRL and AET.

[Some omitted, as were a little too far, even by my standards. XRL, if you're reading this and you're interested in what horrific things you've said - gimme a bell. x]

XRL: Law is made by man. Maths is made by GOD!

XRL: Your Motherfield which is a shopping centre in London, is weird.
MD: Westfield?
XRL: YES!

XRL: What's your father's name?
MD: Slawek.
XRL: What's his SURNAME?
MD: ...

"Charles Darwin getting savaged with a pen."

XRL: You punch people until you get your way.

XRL: What are you having for dinner?
MD: PCKAAAA!!!
XRL: A CHICKEN?!

JM: Would you give up booze for a week to meet Ellen Page?
XRL: Maybe two days...
(...)
XRL: I'd give YOU up to meet her.
JM: That's not relevant.
XRL: Yes it is. I like you J!

XRL: You know I love you and I'd never sell your body parts to meet Ellen Page.
JM: I feel there's a 'but' coming on...

TJEW: <hits glass on table> LAUGH!

TJEW: They put bags under his plastic eyes.

XRL (to TJEW): I need the bathroom. Join me!

TJEW: XR, what happened to my fag? By which I mean the cigarette, not GLSB.

TJEW: Is it necrophilia if you really love the corpse and you warm it up first?

TJEW: Have you ever thought about what it would be like to marry a witch?
XRL: I've thought about what it'd be like to marry you.

XRL (to JM): Hey! Lord Farquad!


***********************************************
Miscellaneous:

ET: Just...horses... They have so many legs!

MD: Death is upon me!
GA: No, that's the duvet.


(Found in drafts. Not sure of context, but I assume it was SD)
"Zeby przyspieczyc proces zmiekczania makaronu"

GAT: It's gonna sound like I don't respect her job... I don't respect her job!

MD: You can't do that while I'm talking about raping puppies!

TJEW: Why are there tweezers in the coffee machine?

MD: Fucking hiccups.
AJZ: BLOWFISH!

AJZ: Brokeback Cranleigh Street.

MD: I'm helping!
GAT: Really? Could have fooled me.

GAT: HE DOES NOT DESERVE A PRINCESS!

Re: Lego pooing on her shelf.
GAT: I don't know if I could poo with that accuracy from that height.

MJS: Salem? Salem is back?
MD: Yeah, the black one.
MJS: Oh, that black one! That's horrible, that's not Salem!

Re: dupa sticker
MD: Na czole sobie naklej.
TSD: Na dupie sobie naklej.

TSD: Poczekaj, wniose swinke bo mi zimno.
SD: To swinka Cie ogrzeje?

MD & SD: Kupie (poo, not buying) smoothie :(

GAT: What is this and why is it triangular?

XRL: We can start a band.
MD: I can sing. What can you do?
XRL: Everything else!

XRL: They have a Native American breeding centre?

MD: This song makes no sense! "Moves like Jagger"??
XRL: Yeah, like Mick Jagger.
MD: Does he have moves?
XRL: Hahahahaha- No.

Re: sex toys
MD: Was it for guys or girls?
AJZ: For elephants I think.

Re: making space for GAT to lie down.
GAT: How can I feet?
MD: I am in the box.

While typing out the above.
MD: Would TJEW say "ass" or "arse"?
GAT: I'd say "ass".
MD: I didn't ask what you'd say!


***********************************************
08/02/13 - I was finally smart enough to date something! :D 

GLSB: T is fun to be fair.
MD: Is K not fun?
GLSB: ...K is a very old friend of mine.

Re: kissing GLSB
ANH: Mouth smells like an ashtray. Might as well lick a piece of coal.

TJEW: Who doesn't like drinking piss?
GLSB: <Censored for his peace of mind. Contact for details.>
Re: me writing down the above
GLSB: NO M! NO! I WILL GO TO PRISON!

MD: What's wrong with Belgium?
TJEW: It's fucking full of Belgiums.

Re: accents in French
MD: Can you tell if they're Swiss?
TJEW: Yes. Because they're boring.

Re: recycling pile
ANH: You're disturbing my landfill!

TJEW: Where's GLSB? I thought he flushed?!

The Duck is Buck!

So, I haven't posted anything in a while.

Rest assured that it is not because my friends and family have lost their hilarity, I was simply being lazy.

I have, however, been meticulously recording quotes over the past few months (OK, a lot of months.) and have just about managed to catch up with typing everything out.

Enjoy! :)

-MD x