Oily.

[The first post ever from Sapphy...Ooh..Aah..]

GLSB: When I type your name into predictive text 'oily' comes up.

GAT: I guess the moral of the story is: don't be a suicidal goldfish.

Joined credit to GLSB and GAT:
Oh I see! "He's not Jewish, he's actually a really nice guy."

Pea under the mattress

[Inspecting AT's room]
TJEW: There's a KNIFE on the floor!

Re: Me being a princess xD
GLSB: Stay in my room and I'll put a pea under the matress. You won't notice and that'll prove it.


LF: "OH NO NOT I, I WILL SURVIVE
OH AS LONG AS I KNOW HOW TO LOVE
I KNOW I'LL STAY ALIVE
I GOT ALL MY LIFE TO LIVE
I GOT ALL MY LOVE TO GIVE
I'LL SURVIVE
I WILL SURVIVE
HEY HEY "
this is a bit gay,
but anyway

No to porno.

RE: Throwing a book at a giant spider.
SD: Niech on tam przemysli swoje zachowanie.

MD: Mialo nie byc duchow!!!
TSD: Nie ma duchow tu!
SD: Nie, tylko ojciec ktory nie zyje... ¬_¬

TSD: Thrillerow nie chcecie, komedii nie chcecie.. no to porno sobie wlaczmy!

Zoe and Gillies on dating -
She said her first message on internet dating is 'Do you wanna grab a drink?'
So he says - 'Why don't you chat to them first?'
She says 'Why? I've nothing to chat about!'
Him: 'Well then maybe you should get off the internet and go do something with your life'
[Too true.]

Delivering a calf

TJEW: Yeah, I've fucked apples.

[Context missing, but I remember it being funny...]
GLSB: D is SOO lucky!

MD: So when D turns up in two days time...
TJEW: Balls will just sprout out of her.

TJEW: THIS should not be biologically possible. Yet I've seen videos!

TJEW: Do you know what is hot?...
...
...
Delivering a calf.


GLSB: You can tell her age by how her teeth go!

You don't live here.

MD: Who is coming home at 11:30pm?!
JCE: Well I can tell you for sure, it's not me.
MD: :| Good. I'm glad.
JCE: Whaat? Why?
MD: ...Erm. You don't LIVE here?!
JCE: Ohh yeeah... Don't say it like it's so obvious.
¬_¬

Crap Dates

My favourites from: http://www.crapdate.com/


"I met a girl who told me she had a gastric band. Later I came back from the toilet to find her crying and both of our deserts gone."

"I went on a date once with a guy who got so incredibly pissed he confessed to wanking his brother off when he was 11. I ran."

"date loudly exclaimed that he was very good at cunnilingus in a crowded pub & then showed me topless phone pictures of his sister"

"After 2nd date took a cute guy home and slept with him. In morning I went for shower, came out found him masturbating into my shoe."




In other news:

TSD: Do you have a horse with no leg?
MD: Yeah, why?
TSD: Cause I found a leg.


MD: O. W brzuchu mi bulgocze.
TSD: Jedzenie zjezdza winda w dol.


MD: Where do these people come from?! :| And WHY!?!
AZ: no idea... caves asylums and eastern europe? also balkans and siberia.

Rozstrzelano.

Just a good quote from this article I was reading.
"Dziecko bawi się w piaskownicy z innymi dziećmi. W pewnej chwili dostaje od kogoś w głowę łopatką i biegnie z płaczem do mamy. Mama może się zachować tak: przytuli, pogłaszcze i odprowadzi z powrotem. Dziecko dostaje wtedy bezcenny komunikat, że jest akceptowane i kiedy płacze, i kiedy jest silne. Inna mama powie: 'No co, nie poradzisz sobie?!'. Dziecko otrzymuje wówczas komunikat, że może być przyjęte tylko wtedy, kiedy jest silne. Jeszcze inna powie: 'Idziemy stąd, bo to nie jest dobre miejsce'. Takie dziecko otrzymuje komunikat, że tylko mama go ochroni."




Re: American Idol FAILS.

MD: Where do these people come from?! :| And WHY!?!
AZ: no idea... caves asylums and eastern europe? also balkans and siberia.


News:
Lubelskie: Zatrzymano policjanta ktory zaczal strzelac do grupy Bialorusinow ktorzy pomagali mu wydobyc sie z rowu po tym jak wjechal do niego po pijanemu.
[Words. Fail. Me.]

Re: Riots.
News: Zatrzymano 1500 osob z czego 500 postawiono zarzuty...
MD: ...A pozostale 1000?
SD: Rozstrzelano.

Re: train crash.
SD:
MD: ...Co?
SD: Na zywo, Baby!
[LMAO!]


[Aaand some E.E. material retrieved from Sapphy]
MD: Rob, we will need your falafel.
Rob: My falafel is open.

MD: Clem, would you say he's a lad?

Mal[immediately]: No, no, this is a front! I'm really fragile!

[Later on, same topic]
Clem : Rob is a gentleman!


MD: Are you ok?
XR: NO! My wife just divorced me. THROUGH A HANDSHAKE!!!

Context unknown.
'Nipplefuzz'

SF: If I wasn't slightly gay, I'd be partially jealous.

AZ: lol it's like us and our tutorial and people going A is not coming. who? well....A. with the face...the tall one. who?
the black guy!
oh!

AZ: and then i was like: oooh. wrong tall guy.

Pigghole

MD: Is the safe staying here?
K: What face?
¬_¬

R: Hi. I got this free sushi. Do you want some?
MD: Why?
R: My friend's wife knows somebody.

Re: Thimble.
MD: 'Turn over to try me'? o.O
R [walking past]: Oh. I see.

Re: T & Dr Pepper trip.
R: He was there in spirit.

Re: Something really non-prison-able xD
K: Oh fucking hell...I'm going to go to prison.

Re: Bag
MD: A ona sie zamyka?
K: Jak jej powiesz zeby sie zamknela.. SHUT UP!

K: Can I have the free chai latte? OH! And can I have the receipt please?

R: My middle name is Picasso.
M: Robin Picasso Piggot?
K: Robin Piggasso.
R: Robin Bigasshole.

[Writing the above down]
M: How do you spell your surname?
K: P-I-G-G-
R: -H-O-L-E.
K: Pigghole???

Comment re: riots
"A one-man riot is a tantrum."

BBC Newsfeed:
Labour MP Tom Watson tells the BBC's News Channel he would have "preferred Boris [Johnson] to turn up with reinforcements yesterday than a broom today".
[Fair enough.]

My favourite quote from the riot so far:
"It's not just youths, there was actually a family drove up in a car and filled up their boot with stuff from Lidl and drove off."

K: duchy nie jedza ludzi
duchy jedynie powoduja internal hemorrage i brain explosions

[A mustn't forget story:
Seeing a sachet on the floor by the automatic doors, and K giggling, I couldn't understand what the commotion was. Turned out, she thought it was a condom, while I, innocently, believed it to be ketchup. Having got half-way up to the college gate, we still couldn't reach a sensible conclusion, I decided to turn back and inspect the sachet.

Verdict?
It was DEFINITELY cherry ketchup.]


[While playing Scrabble]
R: Is there a word like Ploom?
MD: Like 'plumage'?
R: No. Like Bloom. Ploom.

I: Like soft-porn: soft-yoga :)

K: Aerol? ¬_¬
R: Yeah. Aerol...sol!

K: zaraz wpadnie do Ciebie do pokoju w earing a cape and knickers on pants :D

R: Fe Fi Fo Fum, I smell the blood of an Englishman.
[There is nooo possible excuse for this!!! Hahahahaha]

Re: Checking up on kids without knocking. [No mean feat!]
R: Get a glass. And then if anyone opens the door go *sips* That was a nice orange juice that was!

R: I think I suddenly turned dyslexic. Cause I was gonna say 'ice' with 'eyec'.
MD: ...How were you going to spell 'ice'?
R: 'Eyec'. No. 'Ec'. Wait...

MD: How you doin'? :D
Alvaro: I am normal person. Them? *points at Ru.* I don't know... *walks off*
[So beautifully done! And just as K was picking up her Tesco's bag off the floor.]

K: T-shirts.
MD: :( I thought we could keep them?
R: You can have mine?

Demot:
Nie zesrajcie sie czasem z tej milosci.

[Major spazz-out!! xD]
Pedro: YOU GOTTA BE KIDDING
GOD.
I HATE FACEBOOK
FACEBITCH

Oh my laundry!

I: Anyone a fag? No? *walks off*
R: She just called you a fag!

[After being told to say something..ANYTHING!]
K: Err. I wtedy wlasnie nauczylam sie zmieniac uszczelki.

K: Chyba tam __ nie uprawiaja. Chyba ze Mu z T-em.

K: Z przedzialem na nipple.

R: She was telling me how in S. they have those chairs for couples. And I was like *tugs* 'No, this armrest is DEFINITELY stuck on!'.

Re: People writing on the grass.
K: Why did you do that?


[Oh my god style.]
K: Oh my laundry!
R [mocks]: Oh my dirty knickers!

AZ: ive seen obciaganie before.


VCV: ok... Bugs eat bananas!

The dessert of the two spoons

Re: getting a spam text on the tube
K: Patrz. Nawet tutaj mnie znalezli!

K: Zaraz bedzie ratatatowal.
M: Czym bedzie ratatatowal?
K: Ratatatorem.

[few moments later]
K: Nie wiem o co mi chodzilo.
M: No- ratatatatatata

xD

K: Why do you have two spoons?
R: I thought we could share.
K: I think it would be better to share one spoon and two cakes.

R - *bringing over another cake; explains:* This is for my other spoon.

[Almost dropping the second cake]
R: I got distracted by Mu's cleavage.

M: My elbow is crunching.
K: What? :|
M: ...I said: my elbow is crunching.
K: Oh! I thought you said your ovary.
¬_¬

Linda: Colour? GOD!!!

K: Have you got a colour?
Linda: Yes.
K: In English?
Linda: YES!!!

MD: Boy... Animal...
K: HA! Same thing.

K: 55 your face.

Miscommunication.
K: Colour?
M: As in the port?
...????
In the end it turned out that she was saying 'Colour?' and I was hearing 'Calais?'. Nevermind xD

R: Such TV programmes as... 'Farmer let's find a wife'

K: And then he mentioned Mu.
R: No I didn't!! I said 'If I had a top ten...'
LOL

Quick, blind the crawling snail!

[Re: the name of this post -
K: Nooo call it 'slug', cause it rhymes with 'duck'
¬_¬]

K: Dumpling without feeling

MD: Did you keep the CD[D]OS?
K: Oh...I'm sorry. I kept it in my heart.

R: The three musketeers met in Condom.
[You know what...I don't even...]

Re: Ildi, female staff, male accommodation etc.
K: Not unless she has a falafel.

Re: Strange slug/wax-like substance.
I: I found something similar on my windows.
K: Really? On your computer?

R: Have you heard of Wee Willy Winkie?
.........
K: That's his alter-ego.

[I don't even know the context, but it had something to do with corn!]
I: I have two hands!

MD: We look like lesbian lovers.
K: No YOU do.
MD: ...What? On my own?
K: Yes. I'm just the crowd.

R: Probably from the window it looks like you're talking to the postbox. They'll think you're a psycho. "I'm gonna write to you. And you. And you..."

K: It's not very flattering to film a snail from behind.

Re: snail video [Which I will totally be posting on here! Cause it's totally badassedly [< there's a possibility that that's not a word!] AWESOME!]
M: No cause it gets better at the end.
K: Wow ¬_¬ The plot thickens. I can't believe my eyes. I just can't keep up with the pace.

Mind the gap.

K: Wypalam sie zawodowo przy jelopach.

[General Brazillian mockery of Russians]: "Meelzz Meelzz McDonald's! Meelz Meelz Starbucks!"

Jose, Isabel, Regina et al: Mind the gap. And the doors. And the line. And the child.

Vitor's amazing Portugese lesson at the Apple Store:

Um Lindo arco-íris

Isso é um chapéu bobo

É um porco-espinho


Groupon:
Seals were used throughout the early medieval period for the official authorisation of important documents, until someone discovered that otters were cheaper and more cooperative.

P: It's worth going just so you can hate her.

Um porco espinho

O FIM.