Clear up, Random.

Jane Austen, Emma: "Men of sense, whatever you may choose to say, do not want silly wives."

MDB: He might as well have met you with milk and cookies and said "Miilz theres a thunderstorm! I'm scared!"!

[Post "BS- Circus video]
DWS: This from the girl who brought me Two girls One cup!

The Guardian; Charlie Brooker on nightclubs:

"Because you might get a shag," is the usual response. Really? If that's the only way you can find a partner - preening and jigging about like a desperate animal - you shouldn't be attempting to breed in the first place. What's your next trick? Inventing fire? People like you are going to spin civilisation into reverse. You're a moron, and so is that haircut you're trying to impress. Any offspring you eventually blast out should be drowned in a pan before they can do any harm. Or open any more nightclubs.

Even if you somehow avoid reproducing, isn't it a lot of hard work for very little reward? Seven hours hopping about in a hellish, reverberating bunker in exchange for sharing 64 febrile, panting pelvic thrusts with someone who'll snore and dribble into your pillow till 11 o'clock in the morning, before waking up beside you with their hair in a mess, blinking like a dizzy cat and smelling vaguely like a ham baguette? Really, why bother? Why not just stay at home punching yourself in the face?

Russell Howard:
Who the fuck has a pet cow?!

RP: Oh!!! Santa Claus! ...And his wife ;)
Santa X: No presents for you!

Christmas

Re: red button on TV.
SD: Wiecej szkody zrobi srodowisku pierdniecie zajaca.

DWS: I have to stop using BBC Sport for cupcakes.

P M c K: "You are not responsible for the hand you have been dealt, but it is always up to you how you play it."

Socrates: "The unexamined life is not worth living."

P M c K: "Most perception is projection - we most dislike in others what we fear can be found in ourselves!"

Marianne Williamson:
"Your playing small doesn't serve the world.
There's nothing enlightening about shrinking,
So that other people won't feel insecure around you."

P M c K: "'Failure' is an attitude, not an outcome."

MD: I always imagined him to be black. And old.
MJS: No, he has hair.

MD: Pije rozcienczony soczek.
ND: Woda?
MD: Nie. Wodka.

Introducing the Dictionary Book

Following the untimely death of the Swan Book [may it RIP and never be recycled] it's been pretty hard to keep up with the hilarity or just sheer awesomeness of the people I know.

Fortunately, one of these brilliant people managed to spot the lack of writing equipment, and has produced a beautiful replacement - the Dictionary Book - for my birthday :) Many thanks.

That said-

[MD: Something along the lines of 'Did you see that?']
DWS: No. I can't see because my eyes are closed.

Re: Almost getting kicked by two horses in three days
SD: Zajmij sie moze swinkami morskimi albo chomikami!

[Part of an epic tale of cookie monsters and evil companies.]
LDC: Give me a cookie and I'll show you an ad!

AT: GAT, what should I say to that? I can't think of a witty response!

MRT: She'd probably been given the wrong pills that day, given the state of the Polish health-care system.

Quote of the year

Moved me more than anything else I've heard this year -

Sam Moorhead, talking about his encounters with metal detectorists:

"It's a different world from the ivory towers of academia."

AZ's orgasm ruined my sneeze

Michael Mcintire:
Yes. That is wine. Everyone should have some.

It's to see if it's corked or not, and if it's corked - it's off. It's basically they're asking you to determine whether it's off or not - and if it's off they'll bring you another bottle. I'm paying for this. Why don't you ascertain whether it's off or not and not give it to me if it's off?


Max: Bitches love quarters!


AZ: Podobalo mi sie twoje 'Wchodzi mi w parade', bo bylam taka: 'Za czesto rozmawiasz z Babcia. Musisz rozmawiac czesciej z mlodymi Polakami'.
MD: Ale co? Ze nie mowi sie tak?
AZ: Nie! Chyba ze w Panu Tadeuszu!!

AZ: I just remember doing everything not to use the dryer. Like: ZERO!!! NO TEMPERATURE!!! OFF!!!

GLSB: I have some questions about the ethics of blending your pets.

AZ: That's just the different stretching of the world.

Jury service and thirty cats

AZ: To grzalka jest.
MD: W sensie?
AZ: W sensie jestesmy zolwiami.

GLSB: They're being judged by twelve people who are too stupid to get out of jury service.

AZ: Yeah, but we sorta overtalked him to death.

AZ: Aymm Aygnes. Look at my curtains. Yeah, and I mean, my thirty cats will be joining us shortly.

Lotsness of Randomness

Chandler: "Yes it was very sad when the guy stopped drawing the deer."

AZ: It was the perfect lips to tongue sorta ratio. xD

AZ: Yes. I would have a fictional giant from Harry Potter as my bridesmaid!

AZ: Does she realise she's not the perfect salt removal machine?

Adam Hills: "Yeeah.. If your last name is Hyman DON'T call your child an adjective..."

SD: A on tak podchodzil blisko, i tak sie od niego odsuwalem i mi ugryzl koszyk!

MS: It's like a cramp in your asshole.

MD: ...after a year and a half of marriage...
XR: O_O TWO YEARS!!!

GP: Oh, but... It's French. No. I can't!

MD: What's your middle name?
GP: I don't have a middle name.
XR: We should make it Caesar!!

XR: You can probably quantum hop.

MD: Do you think if I took my top off he'd stop talking?
GP: Hahahahaha- No.

XR: Can we just listen to and appreciate this song.


MD: What are you doing? We were appreciating the song!
XR: I wanted to make it better!

Re: 'keys' auto-correcting to 'jews'
GP: It will take some time though.
XR: What, to round up the Jews?
GP: Yeah. The Jews are not ready.

XR: Orange. Squeezed by Deakin.

XR: It's good to know there are some fantastic things coming Harriett's way this month!

GP: Even the French hate themselves! "Ahh..I'm so French!"

AZ: You're like my condom for tonight.

SD: I to byl the hottest krawat?

"probably don't tell him this, but I couldn't pick her out of a lineup. I have no memory of her existing."

Missing: 1cm horse

JCE: Or call the police and tell them you lost your 1cm tall horse.

JCE: Don't you have something arranged lined up? Something halal?

MS: And you know when you go on wikipedia for 'anal'...
[No. No I do not! xD]

MS: Netto stock market would plummet!

AZ: Women like that should be eaten by lions.

Horse maths

MD: Mam 151 koni. I kazdemu zrobilam po trzy zdjecia.
TSD: Oooo to ile tych zdjec masz!!
MD: ...No...453.
SD: Lol!

AZ: At that point he could be dating whoever... or a mime...

MD: Nakarmilam kota.
SD: Grzyby mi z kurtki wypadaja!

Dwarf-reproduction

GLSB: You'd be sucking on some unwashed cow.


GLSB: Dwarf-reproduction isn't one of my main interests.

RE: Me trying to do a Welsh accent :(
GLSB: I'm from Wales, not Pakistan!!!

GAT: I don't mind if guys think I'm gay.
...Wait...

ANH: Now that I've spent £160 on injections, I'm gonna eat SO much pork!

ANH: I helped an old man have sex.

ANH: You just French kissed me via a pen!!!

AZ: quite a penis you must have there cowboy


Also - because I cannot forget this story:
After a night out, GLSB bought himself some chips and a falafel.
I went back to the hostel, and came to his house the next morning.
DL was tidying the kitchen. We noticed a plastic bag with what, frankly, looked like regurgitated dog-food. Quality of the falafel aside - it had completely fallen out of the box, and into the plastic bag. Deciding that it was inedible in its state - DL put the bag in the bin. She shouted to GLSB to tell him she was doing so, and he yelled back angrily telling her not to. She took the bag out of the bin and put it back on the table.

A few hours later, GLSB scrambled out of bed, sat down at the table opposite me and proceeded to eat the falafel.

DL told him it had been in the bin.

He was less than entirely amused.

We then told him to eat the sandwich I had bought him, and when he refused, we told him we'd force feed it to him with the box.

Good times!

Hexogated.

XR: Thank you for the snog.

XR: I'm just gonna have to keep a GPS track of all your limbs. So I can retrieve them.

XR: "Astroid Boy"... OH! And speaking of Dom...

XR: "It was me... me, Geraint..." BOTH of you were there?!

MD: THEY QUARTERED HER!!!
XR: Six legs!
...
...Hexogated?

XR: You have a longer sword. And mine is floppy.

TJEW: Jews could never beat Dr Who!
GLSB: IT'S CHUCK NORRIS!!!

Oily.

[The first post ever from Sapphy...Ooh..Aah..]

GLSB: When I type your name into predictive text 'oily' comes up.

GAT: I guess the moral of the story is: don't be a suicidal goldfish.

Joined credit to GLSB and GAT:
Oh I see! "He's not Jewish, he's actually a really nice guy."

Pea under the mattress

[Inspecting AT's room]
TJEW: There's a KNIFE on the floor!

Re: Me being a princess xD
GLSB: Stay in my room and I'll put a pea under the matress. You won't notice and that'll prove it.


LF: "OH NO NOT I, I WILL SURVIVE
OH AS LONG AS I KNOW HOW TO LOVE
I KNOW I'LL STAY ALIVE
I GOT ALL MY LIFE TO LIVE
I GOT ALL MY LOVE TO GIVE
I'LL SURVIVE
I WILL SURVIVE
HEY HEY "
this is a bit gay,
but anyway

No to porno.

RE: Throwing a book at a giant spider.
SD: Niech on tam przemysli swoje zachowanie.

MD: Mialo nie byc duchow!!!
TSD: Nie ma duchow tu!
SD: Nie, tylko ojciec ktory nie zyje... ¬_¬

TSD: Thrillerow nie chcecie, komedii nie chcecie.. no to porno sobie wlaczmy!

Zoe and Gillies on dating -
She said her first message on internet dating is 'Do you wanna grab a drink?'
So he says - 'Why don't you chat to them first?'
She says 'Why? I've nothing to chat about!'
Him: 'Well then maybe you should get off the internet and go do something with your life'
[Too true.]

Delivering a calf

TJEW: Yeah, I've fucked apples.

[Context missing, but I remember it being funny...]
GLSB: D is SOO lucky!

MD: So when D turns up in two days time...
TJEW: Balls will just sprout out of her.

TJEW: THIS should not be biologically possible. Yet I've seen videos!

TJEW: Do you know what is hot?...
...
...
Delivering a calf.


GLSB: You can tell her age by how her teeth go!

You don't live here.

MD: Who is coming home at 11:30pm?!
JCE: Well I can tell you for sure, it's not me.
MD: :| Good. I'm glad.
JCE: Whaat? Why?
MD: ...Erm. You don't LIVE here?!
JCE: Ohh yeeah... Don't say it like it's so obvious.
¬_¬

Crap Dates

My favourites from: http://www.crapdate.com/


"I met a girl who told me she had a gastric band. Later I came back from the toilet to find her crying and both of our deserts gone."

"I went on a date once with a guy who got so incredibly pissed he confessed to wanking his brother off when he was 11. I ran."

"date loudly exclaimed that he was very good at cunnilingus in a crowded pub & then showed me topless phone pictures of his sister"

"After 2nd date took a cute guy home and slept with him. In morning I went for shower, came out found him masturbating into my shoe."




In other news:

TSD: Do you have a horse with no leg?
MD: Yeah, why?
TSD: Cause I found a leg.


MD: O. W brzuchu mi bulgocze.
TSD: Jedzenie zjezdza winda w dol.


MD: Where do these people come from?! :| And WHY!?!
AZ: no idea... caves asylums and eastern europe? also balkans and siberia.

Rozstrzelano.

Just a good quote from this article I was reading.
"Dziecko bawi się w piaskownicy z innymi dziećmi. W pewnej chwili dostaje od kogoś w głowę łopatką i biegnie z płaczem do mamy. Mama może się zachować tak: przytuli, pogłaszcze i odprowadzi z powrotem. Dziecko dostaje wtedy bezcenny komunikat, że jest akceptowane i kiedy płacze, i kiedy jest silne. Inna mama powie: 'No co, nie poradzisz sobie?!'. Dziecko otrzymuje wówczas komunikat, że może być przyjęte tylko wtedy, kiedy jest silne. Jeszcze inna powie: 'Idziemy stąd, bo to nie jest dobre miejsce'. Takie dziecko otrzymuje komunikat, że tylko mama go ochroni."




Re: American Idol FAILS.

MD: Where do these people come from?! :| And WHY!?!
AZ: no idea... caves asylums and eastern europe? also balkans and siberia.


News:
Lubelskie: Zatrzymano policjanta ktory zaczal strzelac do grupy Bialorusinow ktorzy pomagali mu wydobyc sie z rowu po tym jak wjechal do niego po pijanemu.
[Words. Fail. Me.]

Re: Riots.
News: Zatrzymano 1500 osob z czego 500 postawiono zarzuty...
MD: ...A pozostale 1000?
SD: Rozstrzelano.

Re: train crash.
SD:
MD: ...Co?
SD: Na zywo, Baby!
[LMAO!]


[Aaand some E.E. material retrieved from Sapphy]
MD: Rob, we will need your falafel.
Rob: My falafel is open.

MD: Clem, would you say he's a lad?

Mal[immediately]: No, no, this is a front! I'm really fragile!

[Later on, same topic]
Clem : Rob is a gentleman!


MD: Are you ok?
XR: NO! My wife just divorced me. THROUGH A HANDSHAKE!!!

Context unknown.
'Nipplefuzz'

SF: If I wasn't slightly gay, I'd be partially jealous.

AZ: lol it's like us and our tutorial and people going A is not coming. who? well....A. with the face...the tall one. who?
the black guy!
oh!

AZ: and then i was like: oooh. wrong tall guy.

Pigghole

MD: Is the safe staying here?
K: What face?
¬_¬

R: Hi. I got this free sushi. Do you want some?
MD: Why?
R: My friend's wife knows somebody.

Re: Thimble.
MD: 'Turn over to try me'? o.O
R [walking past]: Oh. I see.

Re: T & Dr Pepper trip.
R: He was there in spirit.

Re: Something really non-prison-able xD
K: Oh fucking hell...I'm going to go to prison.

Re: Bag
MD: A ona sie zamyka?
K: Jak jej powiesz zeby sie zamknela.. SHUT UP!

K: Can I have the free chai latte? OH! And can I have the receipt please?

R: My middle name is Picasso.
M: Robin Picasso Piggot?
K: Robin Piggasso.
R: Robin Bigasshole.

[Writing the above down]
M: How do you spell your surname?
K: P-I-G-G-
R: -H-O-L-E.
K: Pigghole???

Comment re: riots
"A one-man riot is a tantrum."

BBC Newsfeed:
Labour MP Tom Watson tells the BBC's News Channel he would have "preferred Boris [Johnson] to turn up with reinforcements yesterday than a broom today".
[Fair enough.]

My favourite quote from the riot so far:
"It's not just youths, there was actually a family drove up in a car and filled up their boot with stuff from Lidl and drove off."

K: duchy nie jedza ludzi
duchy jedynie powoduja internal hemorrage i brain explosions

[A mustn't forget story:
Seeing a sachet on the floor by the automatic doors, and K giggling, I couldn't understand what the commotion was. Turned out, she thought it was a condom, while I, innocently, believed it to be ketchup. Having got half-way up to the college gate, we still couldn't reach a sensible conclusion, I decided to turn back and inspect the sachet.

Verdict?
It was DEFINITELY cherry ketchup.]


[While playing Scrabble]
R: Is there a word like Ploom?
MD: Like 'plumage'?
R: No. Like Bloom. Ploom.

I: Like soft-porn: soft-yoga :)

K: Aerol? ¬_¬
R: Yeah. Aerol...sol!

K: zaraz wpadnie do Ciebie do pokoju w earing a cape and knickers on pants :D

R: Fe Fi Fo Fum, I smell the blood of an Englishman.
[There is nooo possible excuse for this!!! Hahahahaha]

Re: Checking up on kids without knocking. [No mean feat!]
R: Get a glass. And then if anyone opens the door go *sips* That was a nice orange juice that was!

R: I think I suddenly turned dyslexic. Cause I was gonna say 'ice' with 'eyec'.
MD: ...How were you going to spell 'ice'?
R: 'Eyec'. No. 'Ec'. Wait...

MD: How you doin'? :D
Alvaro: I am normal person. Them? *points at Ru.* I don't know... *walks off*
[So beautifully done! And just as K was picking up her Tesco's bag off the floor.]

K: T-shirts.
MD: :( I thought we could keep them?
R: You can have mine?

Demot:
Nie zesrajcie sie czasem z tej milosci.

[Major spazz-out!! xD]
Pedro: YOU GOTTA BE KIDDING
GOD.
I HATE FACEBOOK
FACEBITCH

Oh my laundry!

I: Anyone a fag? No? *walks off*
R: She just called you a fag!

[After being told to say something..ANYTHING!]
K: Err. I wtedy wlasnie nauczylam sie zmieniac uszczelki.

K: Chyba tam __ nie uprawiaja. Chyba ze Mu z T-em.

K: Z przedzialem na nipple.

R: She was telling me how in S. they have those chairs for couples. And I was like *tugs* 'No, this armrest is DEFINITELY stuck on!'.

Re: People writing on the grass.
K: Why did you do that?


[Oh my god style.]
K: Oh my laundry!
R [mocks]: Oh my dirty knickers!

AZ: ive seen obciaganie before.


VCV: ok... Bugs eat bananas!

The dessert of the two spoons

Re: getting a spam text on the tube
K: Patrz. Nawet tutaj mnie znalezli!

K: Zaraz bedzie ratatatowal.
M: Czym bedzie ratatatowal?
K: Ratatatorem.

[few moments later]
K: Nie wiem o co mi chodzilo.
M: No- ratatatatatata

xD

K: Why do you have two spoons?
R: I thought we could share.
K: I think it would be better to share one spoon and two cakes.

R - *bringing over another cake; explains:* This is for my other spoon.

[Almost dropping the second cake]
R: I got distracted by Mu's cleavage.

M: My elbow is crunching.
K: What? :|
M: ...I said: my elbow is crunching.
K: Oh! I thought you said your ovary.
¬_¬

Linda: Colour? GOD!!!

K: Have you got a colour?
Linda: Yes.
K: In English?
Linda: YES!!!

MD: Boy... Animal...
K: HA! Same thing.

K: 55 your face.

Miscommunication.
K: Colour?
M: As in the port?
...????
In the end it turned out that she was saying 'Colour?' and I was hearing 'Calais?'. Nevermind xD

R: Such TV programmes as... 'Farmer let's find a wife'

K: And then he mentioned Mu.
R: No I didn't!! I said 'If I had a top ten...'
LOL

Quick, blind the crawling snail!

[Re: the name of this post -
K: Nooo call it 'slug', cause it rhymes with 'duck'
¬_¬]

K: Dumpling without feeling

MD: Did you keep the CD[D]OS?
K: Oh...I'm sorry. I kept it in my heart.

R: The three musketeers met in Condom.
[You know what...I don't even...]

Re: Ildi, female staff, male accommodation etc.
K: Not unless she has a falafel.

Re: Strange slug/wax-like substance.
I: I found something similar on my windows.
K: Really? On your computer?

R: Have you heard of Wee Willy Winkie?
.........
K: That's his alter-ego.

[I don't even know the context, but it had something to do with corn!]
I: I have two hands!

MD: We look like lesbian lovers.
K: No YOU do.
MD: ...What? On my own?
K: Yes. I'm just the crowd.

R: Probably from the window it looks like you're talking to the postbox. They'll think you're a psycho. "I'm gonna write to you. And you. And you..."

K: It's not very flattering to film a snail from behind.

Re: snail video [Which I will totally be posting on here! Cause it's totally badassedly [< there's a possibility that that's not a word!] AWESOME!]
M: No cause it gets better at the end.
K: Wow ¬_¬ The plot thickens. I can't believe my eyes. I just can't keep up with the pace.

Mind the gap.

K: Wypalam sie zawodowo przy jelopach.

[General Brazillian mockery of Russians]: "Meelzz Meelzz McDonald's! Meelz Meelz Starbucks!"

Jose, Isabel, Regina et al: Mind the gap. And the doors. And the line. And the child.

Vitor's amazing Portugese lesson at the Apple Store:

Um Lindo arco-íris

Isso é um chapéu bobo

É um porco-espinho


Groupon:
Seals were used throughout the early medieval period for the official authorisation of important documents, until someone discovered that otters were cheaper and more cooperative.

P: It's worth going just so you can hate her.

Um porco espinho

O FIM.

Missing chi..phone?

Re: Buying new phones.
K: Whyyy? Even for a missing child you have to wait 24 hours before reporting them to the police!!

EW: He'd need to not eat a huge number of bananas!

Mal: Me and Serge are excursion soulmates.

P: Well, if they can't find Big Ben from Parliament Square then they REALLY shouldn't be doing this job.

Re: Suren signing my book
Natalia DS: You do realize he just wrote his name right?

MD: They DID say 6:30 right?
Marcelo: I duno.. I heard 5.
MD: :| You've been here since 5AM?!
Marcelo: Yes.

This isn't Moscow; This isn't Rio

P: This isn't Moscow; This isn't Rio. This. Is. London.

‎MD: Is this THE banana, or A banana?'
Sarah: I think THIS is THE banana. So that must be A banana.

Mal: Sasha-proof plan

Re: Berk, buying roses for Blanca.
Mal: 'Cute'?! He's only done it 'cause he was fooling around with that French girl. Trust me, if a guy buys you roses - he's cheating on you!

Re: Barclays
AZ: so i cant see my accounts when abroad without having to scan my eye, giving a urine sample and a swab of saliva? i mean come the fuck on!

K: They think they're so BAD-ASS.
*Milz&Mal die laughing*

Re: Being woken up in the middle of the night.
MD: ...because they're being really loud and I don't have the master key, and also I'm not a boy, and I'm sorry to have woken you up. Will you come with me?
Rob: ...
...
...
What?

[Later on in the corridor]
Milz: Thank youuuu!
Rob: *half asleep* It's OK. Where are we going?

No-one likes you, go away!

Re: Health and safety training.
AZ: Siedzi sie pod katem rozwartym

MD: We are international bitches.
AZ: She deserves it for her face.

AZ: Cause basically I'm reading a book and they fucked a chicken...

AZ: Beards gross me out cause... things get stuck in them...

AZ: It's just like, no-one likes you, go away!

AZ: She said 'I hate those shoes, you should throw those out' and I mean I hate them too but I automatically said 'NO I LOVE THEM!' She also said she hates my trousers so I decided that from this day I shall wear only those trousers!

Re: UNESCO
AZ: Its not Harry Potter.. you weren't destined to be there!

FP: I did see a horse that looked remarkably like Morgan Freeman.

Re: child in megaphone.
MD: That child is in the way of sound!

MD: But he sparkles in the sun!
FP: I can sparkle in the sun when I've been playing football for a few hours!

Why share?

TSD: She bought her LP. Oh god, I'm so old. Her CD!

MD: O, tatus nie ma nawet sily zeby sie polozyc.
TSD: To go popchnij.

MD: Did you just throw the cat out?
TSD: No...He jumped...

MD: I don't know. I haven't stood up yet.
XR: I thought you said 'I havent spit up yet'. Why share?!

After reading the synopsis for the CSI episode we missed.
TSD: Ale ja juz wiem co sie stanie. Bo tutaj jest napisane.
SD: Dlaczego to zrobilas?
MD: Ale...Ale...
TSD: Ale tylko dwa zdania.
SD: Ale po co je czytalas?
TSD: Nie wiem...
...
...Przeczytac wam?
MD+SD: NIE!!!!!


Apprentice You're Fired
'Was this manufactured in heaven?' o.O And then did you pick up on that and go 'No. In Swansea'?!


GLSB: going to flat-hunt with Ouebb and job-hunt also
lots of hunting
more than is good for a vegetarian

AZ: so the point of the story babies - it's good to have dormant black genes?

TSD: You used to read all the time.
MD: No I didn't! That's an urban myth.
TSD: ¬_¬ No.

MD: My head just vibrated.
JTA: You should get that checked out. Sounds painful!

Re: Bunny-outfit
JTA: ...So he can touch them on their nipple places. Shame on you, Winnie the Pooh!

JTA: Send in the diviner diviner!

MD: I like that little girl's dress. It matches her dad's top :)
JTA: Nyawww... Accessorising your daughter!

Re: Pierogi
MD: Zrobilam je wszystkie.
TSD: To juz wrzucilas!?! SD: DWIE PACZKI!?!
MD: Nie, jedna. Tak, juz.
SD: Juz mialem mowic ze bedziemy te pierogi jesc do rana.

JCE: That's it. I just like ugly shoes.

I feel the following exchange is the most representative two lines of our relationship.
MD: i have glue on my eyelid :(:(
GLSB: how, dear God, how?

"The closest to a husband is a dad" o.O

SD: To pojedz do Australii.
MD: Nie bo tam sa pajaki.
SD: Wszedzie sa pajaki.
MD: Nie, ale takie duze.
SD: Wszedzie sa duze.
MD: Nie, ale takie co zjadaja ludzi!
SD: Nie ma takich.
MD: Sa! Widzialam w internecie!
SD: Eee..To byl fotomontaz...

MD: Boys are weird...
MJS: 'I WANT SOME WEED'?! :|

TDK: JT is shagging my leg!

Re: Ohhh it's what you do to me...
MS: I'm gonna change the song before I do

Re: cows.
MD: Chodzmy tu... O. One sie patrza.
SD: Nie to chodz, idziemy [turns back around]

[NB: While the above post makes my father seem like a coward, he is totally badass and made himself a plaster out of grass on the same day!]

MD: Can you not play guitar barefoot?
MS: Nah, my hands get too sweaty.
o.O

SAF: Let's just mime it..'Yeah baby!'

MD: You're not my dad!
SAF: Yes I am!
MD: ???
SAF: Well this other guy has taken the husband thing. The closest to a husband is a dad.
o.O

SAF: It's a fucking ninja cow, I swear!

SAF: Will you slap my berry?

[In IRRITATING Russian accent!]
SAF: Do you want to try my berry? Is very hairy.

Re: Beyonce's ass.
SAF: If I could put that ass on Daniel Craig...
o.O

Re: water-fight.
SAF: You seemed to pay exquisite attention to my buttons.

MD: Weirdo
SAF: Huh?
MD [eating]: WUUDUHH... I said: WEIRDO.
SAF: Three times makes it better does it? Softens the blow...

AWJ: Texts should never have souls.

FP: He's practically masturbating a drum kit. You can't masturbate things with your voice!

FP: Mha! I've got a date with a 21 year old. Check me out! Knuckle-bump!

FP: Hey! I was talking about my poor hamster!
MD: Noo, cause I'll say something inappropriate...
FP: He's not dead!
MD: ...yet.
FP: OI!
MD: I TOLD YOU!!!

FP: *sighs* No joke should need that much explanation...

MD: I need to show you something.
TDS: Ok. Not your naked body though. Cause that would be awkward.
O.O
[FYI: I have never asked to show her my naked body! LOL]

Brid

ND: Ten Arron to jest Izraelczyk? Zyd?

ND: Nie powiesz ze jest Szkotem bo jest skosno-oki!

Re: Misspelt 'Brid' box.
AWJ: ah man, that is so lucky! I was looking for somewhere to keep my brid

[somewhwere]
AWJ: i would just correct my awful spelling first; soo many w's in somewhere


MD: eugh. why do people even need friends...
AWJ: if the sims have taught us anything it is for promotions at work

Generalness

House
"You probably shouldn't have sex for a while."
"For how long?"
"On an evolutionary basis, I'd recommend forever."

Apprentice:
Susie: Do French people like their children?

Greatest tv mistakes. Re: Glass smashing into the car.
Take that, Newton!

Bathroom maths and Mufasa

Fools:
Drunk Driver: I am them.
Police officer: You am them?

House:
Are you being intentionally dense?!
Huh? o.O

House:
Double-entry book-keeping?!

XR: I'm gonna...run to the bathroom..and do the maths.

XR: Oh you have a blueberry now! Oh! It's a blackberry! My next sentence was going to be 'It should be called a blackberry'!

MD: I'm not British.
MP: Are you from Wales?
¬_¬

XR to MP: You're doing the smouldering look again! You can't speak English without flirting!

Re: Elephants.
AN: They're not even soft hair! Not like...washed with Pantene.

Re: AN's picture
XR: Why is it sharp?! It looks like a baby elephant under the big elephant!

XR: He never says hi to me.
MD: You're not a girl!
Randomer @Fitzroy Tavern: You're just too cocky!
MD: Hush, I'm foreign!
Randomer @Fitzroy Tavern: You must realise that every man has a cock!

Fair enough xD

XR: I propose a game of fives to my left.
SIX!
SEVEN!
NINE!!!

MP: Two fives.

MP: I propose you were refrained from allowing.

MP: 1, 2, 3, 7! Ok. I win.

MP: People think I'm this Indian slash Chinese girl... slash guy.

MD: There's nothing for you to fuck you me about!

XR: So who did you inherit your awesome looking eyes from?
LOL!!!

XR: You don't even know how to use your eyes!

MD: Why do you call him 'father'?
XR: As opposed to...?
MD: Dad? Daddy-O?
XR: MUFASA!


Re: Saying 'fail'. Also - logicfail.
XR: No-one ever says 'SUCCESS!'
MD: Because it sounds like something Nelson would say.

XR: He's a little bit extreme, but not even correct sometimes.

Cure for headache? PUB!

AZ to MD: I forget how good you are at wingwomaning!

MD: Ciezkie!
SD: A bo ty mi pomagasz. Mialem powiedziec 'Jak ciezkie, jak to sie samo podnosi?!'

Re: helping a guy in a wheelchair down the stairs.
SD: Spadnie! Ten wozek na niego spadnie! Jeszcze go zabijemy...


MD: No YOU should stand there! She looks like you!
TSD: SHE LOOKS LIKE MICHAEL JACKSON! Thanks!

SD: Chinskie wino?

Chyba z ryzu...

MD: My head hurts...
SD: RIGHT! Let's go to the pub!

TSD: ...czy kupujemy piwo i idziemy do Ciebie? Bedziemy grali w gry. Na przyklad w pokera.


TSD: To musisz napisac! 'Tato jest zlachany'. Przez 'ch'. Chyba. A chyba przez 'ch' na pewno!

MD: Ale 'poszedlem' jest teraz w slowniku.
TSD: ...'Poszedlem' zawsze bylo w slowniku!

MD: O. Noga mi spadla.
TSD: Mi tez spadla. Podczas porodu.

TSD: Depressed people need lots of sunlight. So plenty of sunshine for you!
MD: Lol.

...

o.O


I'M NOT DEPRESSED!!!

Cracked.com

Like zebras and caribou, women travel in packs, particularly at social events.

Just announcing that a woman intends to marry you is an indication to the others that you are indeed, desirable, and worthy of stealing.

Memoirs from the jelly party

MD: How often do you think about [censored]?
ANH: About once a fortnight...
XR: ONCE A SPORTSNITE?!

AZ: She is SO getting me drunk... with oranges!

AZ *singing*: I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts...
...But I'm covering them up!

Maiya

Quotes dug out from 26-11-2008!

SR: Who cares? It's only a penis on a plate.

AZ: No bo sie nie dzga niedzwiedzia patykiem!

Nerayo [sp?]: Who writes love letters? The closest I ever wrote to a love letter is a text message 'Where ya at?'

SR: Otherwise I'll beat you to death with my quati!

Pub Quiz (Watershed)
What's the book of maps?
SR: A map book?
MD: AN ATLAS!

SR: Mesolithic yoyo

Re: Chewing gum box.
John [Who?]: Is there some kind of child-lock on this?!

Josh [Again - who?]: Politics? Ticks that play polo?

MWS: Then they turn around and realise it's just a twat with a coconut.

MD+XR: That's so book!

SD: Mialem przed oczami niedzwiadki baraszkujace na dachu... bylo ich piec albo szesc...


LOL, no context or author, but it's hilarious:
Unknown: I know for a fact you're not joking 'cause it wasn't funny.

Also:
Unknown: If I ever met myself I'd just be like 'Get out of my life!'
[Sounds like something I'd say tbh...]

Phone convo.
SD: A ja w kominku rozpalilem i sobie siedze.
MD: ...Nie masz kominka tatusiu! o.O

Just draining some olives...

MD: Did you see what that woman was doing?
XR: Yes. She seemed to be draining some olives.
[As you do. Well. I suppose that is just what you do. In the middle of Camden...]

To the goose chasing our boat.
XR: Badgers! There are badgers on this boat!

Looking over at the goose. Spotting an evil looking duck.
MD: [in sheer terror] WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?!?!
[You had to be there I'm afraid]

XR: Hey! Matching children!

In Dans le Noir.
XR: Are you ok? You sound sad...

MD: MATE, I did [XR *look of shock&horror]- What the hell just happened? :|

XR: Are you going to D's birthday party?
MD: No. Why would I?
XR: Why not? But you're like, friends now ...On facebook.

To the attention of AZ:
Re: my birthday; first year.
MD: Agnes was there; Agnieszka was there...
XR: Agnes IS Agnieszka!
MD: No. Leja...
XR: WHAT?! There are TWO OF THEM?!

Then, as I start writing the above down:
XR: Agnes is a way cool cat. Just like shaft, but with less madness.
[????????]

Loving the pluralisation!
AZ: and me and geraint loao-ed.

What do gin and lesbians have in common again?

Fools:
This guy is trying to get boxes out of the truck.
The boxes are now out of the truck.
I can't imagine a way to get them out of the truck quicker
This was a successful truck-emptying mission.

House:
It's a very sad thing, an uncalibrated centrifuge. It makes me cry too.

Horrible Histories:
I mean a woman, dressed as a woman, on stage...It just doesn't seem right.

Re: freaks in T Square
AWJ: You capitalist dogs can't walk now

During conversation about Locke and sharing/using more resources than needed.
XR: An air conditioning party.

XR: This all started with John Locke you know. And ended on Milz having a cigar and a straw in rum tied to her face.

MD: I have the same problem with gin as I do with lesbians...

XR: But I'm liking her father though. Wait! That sounds gay.

MD: I wanted Dom to dress up as Daisy Duck.
XR: Like, for his birthday?
MD: Yeah. Not like...as a sexual fantasy!!!


AZ: "Co tam u najladniejszej dziewczyny w swiebodzicach." Gee thanks. Moglby sie mnie zapytac co tam u najladniejszej dziewczyny na russian female heavy weight wrestling championship.

JTA: man
he'd be the alpha wanker in that relationship

AWJ: my brain is dribbling from my ears

AWJ: wordrape

Cracked.com:
But searching around for anything that's not a diamond or gemstone ring, all I get is goth jewelry. And that's fine, if you're a goth, and you like your ring to be all crooked to symbolize the darkness and scarring of your soul or something -- but I'm not.

Our hypothetical man, assuming he's still alive at this point...

TENNIS!

CWB: 40:40. Juice.

MD: How do they pick the ball-girls?
CWB: The hottest ones get picked.
MD: Aren't they like...13?
CWB: Yeah. Takes a special kind of skill to judge that.

CWB: Life used to be so simple. And then they ran out of vegetable lasagne.

CWB: I have an understanding with the pigeons.

Re: People saying 'lol' and 'like'.
AWJ: So I see you in a great outfit and stick my thumb up and yell like?

MD: It's easy to be a hypothetical kungfu badass i think..
AWJ: Oh yeah, I am a blackbelt in hypotheticals


AWJ: lol, the jaundice paint
for all your paintings of liver failure
fun for all the family

Flint, linguistics, insults and the Seine

From Swan Book;
[Also, picture gallery to be updated today! :D]

No idea of the context! Shame that...
AZ: Ahhh...Gene Kelly!
MD: Ahhh...FLINT!

AVJ: He's a charity worker by day and a cage fighter by night.

AVJ: All the insults come out!
Chav.
Gay.
Corner-shop boy.

...Muslim!


Re: George Washington
GLSB: He's not like psychologically disabled.

GLSB: Imitation is a form of flattery [Reads my face] ...Or not? It's plagiarism and she's evil.

GLSB: It is linguistically impossible to come to that conclusion from that sentence!

GLSB: Natalie Portman! So hot!
MD: Ooh, have you seen Thor?
GLSB: No. But I've seen Leon...
*uncomfortable silence*


GLSB: I swear to god. Anyone who needs a pee - they tell me. I'm just that sort of person.

Drunken moping and advice.
MD: He's going to hate me! I'm going to be too common for him. [silence] Advise me!
GLSB: I duno!
...Be less common?

ECP: Child bearing hips... Oh yeah, she looks like she's fertile!

ECP: Fork-lift truck jousting.

ECP: Can I put my hand under your fringe?

Re: Met Thames story.
ECP: It's insane! Aha! No that would be in Paris. [proceeds to hang head in shame]


AWJ: It surprises me that there are still bidding wars for furbys though

AWJ: You could either wander London in the hope of grasscourt tennis, or trawl ebay for strange Japanese toys

AWJ: If someone fucked the devil in my garden I would not be amused

Disney character

XR: Maybe he was like a disney character?

XR: ...Your experiments intrigue me.

Game of Thrones: He was no dragon. Fire cannot kill a dragon.

Horrible Histories:
"Should I take her pulse?"
"No, she might need it!"

"We can't feed her dead buttered spiders, that's just crazy!"

Homeward bound:
"My baby, are you alright?"
"He threw me into the big litter-box!"

"Hey, hey, I'm not gonna hurt you! I just wanna chew on your neck!"

Lejdis:
"Przyjaźń to jedna dusza w dwóch ciałach" – powiedział przed wiekami grecki filozof, bez wątpienia gej"

House:
"22 year old men don't die of sex."

Re: High five for liking the Hugh Laurie album.
AWJ: *hugh five*

Stories and mammoths

Game of Thrones:
"I know a story about a crow."
"I hate your stories."
"I know a story about a boy who hated stories..."

Re: Me and XR.
AZ: Not actually being married. That's the secret to a successful marriage!


AZ: LOL
MD: ???
AZ: It's just...'wedlock'. Cause it sounds like 'warlock'!

Re: Flat hunting.
MD: how did the hunting go?
JTA: got a mammoth
:D
it'll feed the tribe for days to come

Love the one you're with

"The opposite of love is indifference"

"No, you were only in love with the idea of love. And now you are in love with the idea of a broken heart."


MD: Do lesbians have mummy issues?
AZ: Shall we google it?


LOL
"Females, and especially lesbians. hate males and see bisexual women as traders"

"Mommy, where do lesbians come from?"


TJEW: This is a spectacularly shit way of coming out and forcing someone else out with you.

A remarkable song, quotes, links and monk writing

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l4x0K2Y7kPw

WILLIAM.

...Bit short innit?


Furthermore,
Death's Big Book of Baby Names



GLSB: I've just discovered 1 minute 16 of you foot-dancing to the Beatles.
(not a sentence I ever thought I'd have to say)


Horrible Histories, about Tutankhamen:
Yes his daddy became a mummy which is a very complex operation.

So the nine year old Tutankhamen became a Pharaoh, which I guess is pharoh-nuff.



Also, these remind me of LDC and GLSB respectively.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xAsVjj93P1I

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uxpSdS1esZ4



Hello, I'm brother Alfred and this is my new assistant, brother Timothy.
Today we're going to teach you how to write like a monk.
Now, you'll need something to write on, so first take one cute little fluffy lamb... and cut it's throat.
Remember: always ask your parents' permission before you brutally slaughter a pet lamb.
[...]
Remember: always ask a goose's permission before plucking a feather.


And sit. And rule.

And mourn. And mourn. For the next 40 years.


The Hitler Youth. It's just like the Scouts, only evil.

[Swan migration]

The Swan Book Illustrations are now on a separate 'Page' [as opposed to a 'Post' which this is... Oh the confuzzlement!] which can be found on the right hand side. Somewhere. I'm not actually 100% convinced that this is going to work... But we shall see. Thanks for all the artistic and intellectual input from everyone! :Dxx

Life is a Roller-coaster, You just gotta ride it?

About nail-polish.
MD: IT'S NOT COMING OFF!
XR: Did you read the instructions?

[Soon after previous quote]
MD: Do you have a hammer?
AZ+XR: Don't hammer your foot off!!!
MD: ...To smash melons with?


While I was trying to take a picture of him wearing an Alan Sugar mask...
XR: What should I do?
MD: ... ¬_¬ I don't know - pull a funny face?

When taking 'Serious Physics' pictures.
XR: Come back up! Do you want me to throw you my hair?
GP+MD: ????????
XR: ..You know. Like Rapunzel?

MD: Apparently Asia can come to the picnic, but not to the zoo.
JS: The WHOLE of Asia? How big is your garden?!

About Togepi.
AZ: My egg is your napkin.
[And you know what. I just googled it. And it fucking well is!!! xD]


= Togepiproof!

XR: What have you done to these milks?!
ANH: ...I bought them?

ANH: Did you have a specific banana-related incident?

AZ: Where did he go to get them I mean... Yemen?!

XR [to ANH]: Let's do it Animal!
*tumbleweed*

XR: Can I call you Freeride?

XR: Are you staying in the middle to conserve momentum?

MD: I'm really regretting clothes right now!

XR: You saw the show too?! *HIGHFIVE* Do you have the badge? No? Yeah, let's not talk.

ANH: Is that scream related to that smell?

MD [to ANH]: That was an awkward hug...
AZ: You should have done it from behind.

AZ: You smell like a kebab.
SAS: I could do with a kebab!

MD: He invited me to his room to see his pipe.
SAS: Isn't it incredible!
MD: Oh god... I love Matt but I don't want to imagine his pipe!
SAS: It's like a shower, isn't it?

MD: Scotland tried to get an empire?! They can't even get independence!


Dara O'Brien: "So much pressure that even when naked you were adjusting your tie?!"

"Newspaper cut-outs"

[www.thedailymash.co.uk/news/health/made%11up-medicine-works-on-made%11up-illnesses-201105313882/]

"Experts stressed that acupuncture, like murder and lying, has existed for thousands of years and works on the fundamental Chinese principle that if it hurts it must be working."

"Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: "To truly assess the efficacy of acupuncture a widespread double-blind test needs to be conducted over a series of years but to be honest it's the equivalent of mapping the DNA of pixies or conducting a geological study of Narnia.""


[http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/05/28/stephen-magnet-analyzes-the-phyiscal_n_867805.html]

"Growing up, many of our favorite cartoons transcended reality and brought us into a world that wasn't "scientifically" correct. Unfortunately, one student's physics project just had to go and ruin that magic."

Get Well Soon Swan Book :(

Yes, in all the drunkenness of last night, the Swan Book got a little injured. I intend to fix it. Or attempt to!

In other news:

AZ: And East is really close to North like in a really weird way.

MD: It's OK, I have Photoshop.
GP: Good. I need you to make me look Asian.
Errr....

XR: So when someone asks 'Oh, are you dressed as Professor Xavier?' 'No, I'm dressed as James McAvoy from the film...'

XR: We can lock him in a maths-proof room...
MD+GP: A maths-proof room?!

XR: The apple falling from a tree is more free than you are.

GP: The Earth is the enemy! IT'S THEM!

GP: So he doesn't believe in god, but he believes in this magical crane..?

XR: The Egyptians were well advanced in the 21st century.

Copernicus didn't die of religious prostitution.

XR: Me. Giulio. Italian. Male. Want to know if I can be a nun and like cock at the same time.

XR: How did I manage to get from Christianity to Giulio likes wearing tights..?

Re: Picture of GP as a nun, wearing tights, with a small child a mug of coffee, a physics box and a giant cock.
XR: In private that's how I imagine you!

XR: Don't make me bring quantum mechanics into this!

GP: You're getting red!
XR: I'm not getting red... WHERE'S THE WINE?!

XR: Call security and tell them what? 'I need to drink some wine in the maths department'?

XR: The best part of the rap was the applause.

XR: If you have to suck - you're doing it wrong!

GP: Technology to me is like sex to a prostitute.

MD: I just saw Mark in 60 years time!!!

MD: I'm afraid it'll spill everywhere.
XR: Not if you put your mouth over it.

XR: Tell him 'What are you, chicken?' He'll do it!
MD: Spytaj sie 'Czy jestes kurczakiem?'
AZ: ...CHICKEN!!!

XR: I wanted to say 'Buy me a drink. What are you, chicken?'; And I said 'Buy me a chicken!'

AZ: He just stroked an imaginary chicken.
XR: What else do you do with a chicken?

EGGS!!!

XR: Giulio give her a different finger... Agnes, lick the finger! She wants the pinky!

AZ: You could flash someone in that coat!
Randomer: Only children!
Coincidentally the same Randomer who part-took in mine and AZ's 'Let's get naked!' 'WHEEEEEY!' fiasco xD

XR to GP: You wetted my trousers!

Headshaking

So I tried to catch this silly pony in the field. I decided befriending her was more important than anything, so having made friends with the horses on my side of the fence, I sat around listening to music etc. This was her rather attention seeking response.

NB: As soon as I started paying attention to her again, she tried to kill me...*sighs*

Ever so Ever so Happy

Alternativeness, Figurativeness and Sexual Hugs

[Just a shame AZ told me I am not to publish the funniest thing ever. But I thought I'd taunt anyway. It's to do with boob jobs. And documented in the Swan book. Until she reads this and burns it :( ]

"He would actually die of...alternativeness."

AZ: Omg we're having a moment!

LDC: She's a baking stalker.

Written in capital letters [Much like "SOCIETY IS STUPID"] so I'm thinking this is something I should remember in the future. I love how a semi-drunk me thought that I might just forget this when sober:

ICE IS COLD

LDC: I will figuratively guard your chair with my life.

XRL: We really should check out our mother.

SW: It's OK. The Vikings didn't have horns.
MD: I'm not saying he's a Viking. I'm saying he's a cow.
[Which SW was trying to write down on his hand, before I produced the Swan book. Funny.]

XRL: What did you mean? Like a sexual hug?
MD:...What is a 'sexual hug'?
XRL: I duno... A hug with a happy ending?

XRL: It's a frown of joy.

Watching Kill Bill. About the samurai sword.
AZ: Do you have to take ages to take it out of the thing?
[TWSS]

Kill Bill: "Revenge is never a straight line. It's a forest, and like a forest it's easy to lose your way … to get lost … to forget where you came in."

AZ: Glass-nerd-gasm.

MD: A week after we started talking, he was like "Come on a road-trip to Scotland with me!" Like... Yeah... Why don't I just shoot myself in the face...
AZ: ...and rape myself with a stick.

27/05/11 Erries, Berries...

MD: Are cherries berries?
AZ: I don't think so.
MD: But they're..'erries'.
AZ: Yeah, they're 'erries' not 'berries'.

Mexican rebirth et al.

Re: Mexican sticks game.
MD: I don't know. I'm not Mexican.
JTA: Well you should be. Go get reborn.

In Regent's Park, there are these wooden sculptures of children and animals. Having climbed onto the head of one of them, a little girl runs up to the statue of a child...preparing to dive [? god knows what it's doing tbh] and says:
"Daddy, can you put me on that lady's head?"

So me and JTA were sat on a bench, he was drawing away in the Swan book, and I heard a noise behind us. Assuming it was a person, I turned around very subtly so as not to look like I was spying on them or whatever. I glanced over, and it was a child. Oh wait. No. No children are blue and have tails!!!
"OMFG THERE'S A PEACOCK BEHIND US!!!"

JTA: I think he's looking for the peacock.
MD: Considering he's just gone into the bushes, I don't think he's looking for the peacock.
JTA: Well, he's looking for something to so with peeing and cocks!


Re: Americans at UCL [The second, inferior type xD]
ST: I can't wait to tell my friends in Virginia!!

Mid-latitude extratropical cyclone

ST: I went from 'I hate the sea! I hate everything wet!' to 'I am a pirate!'.

Highway to Hell DOES NOT EQUAL Back to Black. Just. Fyi.

Nooo idea of the context of this:
"I AC/DC used you!"

Re: exam hall.
AZ: Which smelled like first basement, then attic, then basement, then paprika [MD: and then?] then basement again. Then cabbage.

AZ: I walked up Goodge Street Station stairs today!
MD: All 136 of them...
AZ: *rolls eyes* I didn't count...


Apprentice:
Susan: "No one has any money around here. Everyone's so poor."

Nick: "What's he doing? He's selling bows."

[To a really old woman] Tom: "When did you learn to water-ski?!"

Psychoville:
"Do you ever see the Silent Singer?"

Psychoville

"Nine across is 'You'"

"The witches of eBay"

"I used to be a werewolf, but I'm alright nowwwwwww!
'Really that as well?'
No, I was joking.
'Oh. So you're not a dwarf?'"

"He always said you'd end up doing something with your hands!
'Yeah, like mending cars, not doing strangles!'"

*Coocoo*
...
"Hobnob?
I brought a knife in case you only want half."

RE: Where the bathroom is
"Just follow the smell"

"Don't listen to him, he has about six different personalities!
'Shut up! No, YOU shut up!'"

"He eats everything, he's like a goat!"

"He thinks he has special powers.
'Like Beechams?'"

"He was always the weakest link, goodbye."

23+24/05/11 Papercut vs beheading

AZ: Do kurwy nedzy; nie moge zadzwonic do wacikow... WACIIIIKIII!

Re: Gypsies.. I think?
AZ: That's people who have nothing to do racially or culturally.


RE: 'Literally'
AZ: Papercut - that's the worst thing! No it isn't... Getting beheaded - that's pretty bad too!!


My dad, RE: GLSB:
Usmiech jak joker; moglby sie kolegowac z Andiem Warholem; czego on sie nazywa 'skeleton'; moze on jest zombie?
Gosh Dad...Seriously!

Some people just need to fuck off. And not do this:
AZ: Comes to your house about skyping about mailing about calling about texting you...

In the midst of a conversation about someone else entirely!!
AZ: Is his name Jake? That tall Chinese guy...
MD: ...Who are you talking about?
AZ: ¬_¬ A tall, Chinese guy called Jake...that's who I'm talking about, OK?

AZ: He asked me out for coffee, and I said 'I'm busy till September'! [LOL...] And he deleted me off facebook for that! How childish!


Frankly, RE: Racism!
AZ: Korean, Chinese = pota[y]to, potato[h]

[Moment to honour the spelling there please :P]

Hah! Context is duck-out-of-bounds, but it's even funnier without xD
AZ: Tea is my blowjob.

AZ: 'You will join us pandas soon'. And what? Dry hump a fucking stick?!

Doing the 'Danny fingering Sandy' routine:
AZ: No, but I do that!
[MD, spits drink out, and laughs for about ten minutes]
WHEN I DANCE!!!


MD: OK I'm going to sleep.
AZ: AWWWWW.
MD: ...I know, being human sucks.
AZ: [Eating a waffle] BLAHGFLFKB
MD: ...what? ¬_¬
AZ: KLAHFKJLGEL:JB!

Oh. Apparently it was 'Lawyered'. Or actually 'Biologied' *sighs*


MD: I'm so thirsty.
AZ: Go to sleep.

...words fail me tbh.

22/05/11 God is tired!

RE: Praying.
AZ: They've been at it since I was awake... Really, even God is tired of it by now!

RE: John Barrowman
MD: He's cuuuute!
AZ: But he's the gayest gay in the world!
...:( Damnit!

SYTYCD:
Louise: I don't think looking sexy comes naturally to you, Katrina...

Meeow.


MD: I think she looks sexy now... Not in like a lesbian way...
[...]
AZ: But how can you not look sexy in a PVC costume?

SYTYCD:
Arlene: That music was WAILING sex!!!

21/05/11 Glitter bitch.

The end.

Also - some lyrics.

One track mind, one track heart
If I fail, I'll fall apart
Maybe it is all a test
Cause I feel like I'm the worst,
So I always act like I'm the best
If you are not very careful
Your possessions will possess you
TV taught me how to feel
Now real life has no appeal
it has not appeal

AZ: I'm sorry I'm just so ANGRY all the time!

RE: previous post and Google Chrome
MD: Why are you underlining my M's, they're part of the I's!
AZ: M's are part of I's? That's...news to me!

For AWJ.

The name of the file is 'Elton John Naked'. Poor piggy! Now that is defamation!

19/05/2011 Less serious rape and First Pictures

AZ: Less serious rape? Like, when a friend jumps on you and goes 'HAA RAPE!'?



Made me laugh way loads! Especially in the light of AZ's recent 'you fucking fuck!' comment! xD



Me and AZ decided to watch this film on iPlayer called 'Black Sheep'. And oh my... Just. Oh. My.


http://www.angryduck.co.uk/ <<< Omgomgomg! [To quote Online Gamer: BONER!]


AZ: I don't think theres anything wrong with eating food..Hey!


Re: towel falling on the floor for the hundredth time!
MD: Ooh it has a hook! *snap* Oh. It no longer has a hook...
AZ: Ooo...Zepsulas mi recznik!

AZ: I wish bulimia was easy to develop...

The Apprentice You're Fired:
"You crush the puppy and then you're sad because you don't have the puppy anymore!"


From Nigdy w Zyciu
"Jak kochać to księcia, jak kraść to miliony"

18/05/2011 Not the empire!

Facebook convo.
GLSB:
tell her I made a lighthearted quip about cups of tea and beans on toast and other British things that will perplex her.
MD:
lol! yes. Agnes is famous for not knowing about tea and toast ¬_¬
GLSB:
foreigners know about tea and beans on toast? Something has to be done. We'll lose the empire.

17/05/2011 Catch up

Online Gamer:
Yeah, I don't know if I have a favourite kind of vagina...

RE:Sheesha
AZ: What if your brain explodes?

CAMELFACE

RE: Blow jobs
MD: Ultimate party trick...
AZ: It's not a balloon animal!

AZ: We look like the Indian mafia!

AZ: Eugh, people are looking at us like NYAAA...What? It's only sheesha *-)
MD: ...I look at people like that...

AZ: People are taking pictures of chihuahuas. OMG. It's a fucking chihuahua, not a tiger!

AZ: Hey Agnes, it's Milz, you're black!
...:/

AZ: I don't have an unread message you fucking fuck!

RE: Hair bleaching
STR: I left him alone for three hours and he did that!

JC: Once Hitler killed all the Jews he was pretty happy...

AZ: Awww, it's nice to be someone's kryptonite!

GG, Regina: I haven't been this bored since I believed in Jesus!

GG, Serena: I'd ask how you are, but I don't really care.

GG, Blair: People don't write sonnets about being compatible, and novels about shared life goals and stimulating conversations.

14/05/2011 Sugar tits

About my crappy picture.
AZ: I saw it and I was like.. :O Did you take a picture?

AZ: I have sugars on my tits!

About a car driving past with loud music.
AZ: So many gangsters in this neighbourhood!

Psychoville 1: Not now silent singer.

Psychoville 2:
M1: You remember Emily don't you?
M2: Yes I do. *slams door*

After Agnes kept doing inappropriate actions to Summer Nights.
MD: Danny did not spend the whole summer fingering her!!!

SOCIETY IS STUPID
Written on its own separate page in the Swan book, so that I never forget!

After drinking. Really not that much.
AZ: Seriously, I see two of you.
MD: Err.. *points at mask* that's Alan Sugar?

MD: OMG! Pubic hair colour dye?!
AZ: OMG! I wanna do it!
...

Re: death of parents
MD: Bambi got over it pretty quickly?
AZ: Bambi was an animal! They have the emotional capacity of a teaspoon.
*starts writing down as we walk*
AZ: You make me feel famous sometimes! 'Cause my words are important.

Walking the same way.
AZ: Go left!
MD: My left or your left?
...

Mocking.
"See you later ladies"
MD: Yeah.. Maybe if I need a patio build! *AZ bursts out laughing* ...I'm such a twat, I make myself sad sometimes.

12/05/2011 War Admiral

MD: Why is War Admiral standing above me? ... And why is he wearing my bra? o.O

AZ: Just... Trying to see a horse in a pile of clothes...

Randomness from my little Swan book

MD: Read the last sentence of my conclusion.
AZ: Ooh, where is it? Where is it? ... Oh wait!

RE: erections
MD: Full blown! A naked woman walks in and *tiki-tiki-tik* ?
AZ: ...

GLSB: Yeah but Pakistan don't seem to mind.
ANH: Yeah they do! Didn't you read their Twitter?!

ANH: You see those clips of 40 year old men eating cheese on toast...
*in unison* MD: No I don't?! GLSB: Where do I see those?!

ANH: Do you know any 15 year old men?

ANH: I got two compliments from women. Neither of whom were my mother!

GLSB: That's pretty low calibre bullying in your school! 'Why aren't you standing up? Stand up!'

ANH: HE FLICKED A LEAF AT ME!

[Talking about a cone]
GLSB: Why is every story about nature? [MD: ...a CONE?] Ohhh I was thinking of the wrong cone!

ANH: I'm going to hell! Left handed...Use condoms... ['and hate the pope' I think was the last one?? xD]

I so badly want the context of this!!
ANH: We were studying a story about a dinosaur with a nosebleed...

ANH [to GLSB]: I just wanted to know why you made your lips disappear and then bite them... Call me weird...

GLSB making the cross symbol before going into the toilet. Priceless.

11/04/2011 On the inside?

HIMYM: "Guess this one's kinda cute or whatever"

AZ: I thought he was litigious... Litigious? No. PROMISCUOUS.
MD: They ARE close...As far as...the order of letters goes?

Mocking.
AZ: 'I'm on the inside'... not to be confused with the outside. That would be catastrophic!

Re: GG.
AZ: Just...Rufus... Well, cause he has to have lines!

The Apprentice; Karen: "There is six boys in there, squeezing 1400 oranges"

LGE: "down with blacks" "can't we all just get along?" NO. you're both wrong. fuck off

10/05/2011 The day the diss stood still!

Dissertation stress!
MD: I need valium not vit c...
AZ: I can strangle you with a pillow if you want?

Mockingly.
AZ: "I hate you" "I like people that hate me :)" ARGH!


Logic lost.
AZ: Lol..Finka. Like a finnish woman.
MD: I was thinking like a pet feminine fin..
AZ: ...what?

HIMYM: "Guess this one's kinda cute or whatever"

09/05/2011 Gaston

About singing Beauty and the Beast.
AZ: I love doing Gaston!

AZ - the WORD MASTER! xD


About Mulan.
AZ: Oh I got it. You killed the girl... And you liked it?

08/05/2011 Boyle!

AZ - to water:
Come on, boil! SUSAN BOYLE!


Decadence. Pretty.
[A process, condition, or period of deterioration or decline, as in morals or art; decay]


[Fbk status.]
MD: The news seems to have died down a little bit... The leader of Al-Qaeda Osama Bin Laden was controlling Al-Quaeda. Erm. Well. Um. Yes?
AZ: "This just in! 'Hitler was responsible for the Nazi regime' :O"

From Facebook, so I can get rid of them.

Fortius quo fidelius;;
Fortis fortuna adiuvat;;
You try, you fail; You try, you fail...But the only true failure is when you stop trying;;

immi.x says:
i wrote to ---- and apologised too. but no reply
little git.

AZ: Czy to zemsta za to ze zyje?!

Alex G.: 'to the wretched homo'

AZ: 'na wally? um. no... zdecydowanie nie wally. dzisiaj nie szukamy wally'ego.'

Dom: 'I like watching people'

Quiz guy [Max?]: 'The most amazing thing about my socks today - I managed to find a pair. I was so excited - I made it my status!'

Stephen: 'I will not be pressed for information!'

'I think Barney ate the relationship chicken.'


"Yet in sleep there flows before my heart the memory of pain. Against our will we are taught restraint."


'more girls! snakes with tits.' [Ed Pitt]


'well no i mean she's got a normal person's face lol meaning - no disabilities, no severe deformations' [Agnes]

'give £2 a month to a starving african and what do they do? buy a fucking trumpet...' [Louis Eley]

'i know how sick it sounds - but i would do anything to that cat' [Agnes]

'"i love guys at night"
"guys campus i mean"' [Dawid]

"I used to fuck her just to shut her up" [Jared]

''It had those long antennae, it was brown...and it looked kinda...intelligent' [AZ]

'...ale codziennie zabijam swinke morska.' [DC]

'I have chilly hands' No you don't... 'No, no...CHILLI hands.' Ohhhh' [DS]

'..."Paint
Must never hope to reproduce the faint
Half-flush that dies along her throat"' R. Browning


"She had
A heart . . . how shall I say? . . . too soon made glad,
Too easily impressed; she liked whate'er
She looked on, and her looks went everywhere." R. Browning

'I need the comfort that if I Ponglish something he'll still get what I mean' AZ


'Sometimes a queen has to make a choice: a castle with a white knight. Or a quest with a dark prince.' GG

Bowl. All time favourite.

*throw stuff*
...Get in the bowl.
You get in the bowl.


...


You couldn't find a bigger bowl...

07/05/2011 Taxi Driver

It's because Google is for simple people!
AZ: Do you remember... last year there was this thing about this taxi driver who flipped out and killed loads of people?
MD: No?
AZ: It was all over the news! I'm trying to find it! Damnit..
MD: *googles* Is it 'Taxi driver kills 12 then shoots himself'?
AZ: YES! How did you find it?!!
MD: ...I typed in 'london taxi driver killed people'
AZ: Oh. :( I typed in 'taxi murderer' and didn't find it...



And I'm sorry but no-one NO-ONE will convince me that the song Octopus's Garden by The Beatles is NOT about Bin Laden, with lyrics such as:

We would be warm below the storm
In our little hideaway beneath the waves

AND

We would sing and dance around
because we know we can't be found
I'd like to be under the sea

Just. Please. Lol.


British Gas:
Whilst on hold - "We're awfully busy updating our website..."
MD: What, right now?!

Also:
British Gas woman: I'm assuming [lol in itself xD] that you're calling about your electricity bill. [MD: Yes...but...] Do you want to pay that now?
MD: No. Can I talk now? [BGW: Yes...] Because...I'm stupid and I wrote down the wrong reference number...
BGW: And why did you do that?
o.O


Banter chat. [PS: Not ACTUALLY about periods! xD lol!]
AZ: I'm going to the chemist.
MD: OMG DON'T DO IT THERE'S SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR!
AZ: Jeez, I just need tampons for my heavy flow!
MD: ;) I like that!

06/05/2011 Makepeace

About Makepeace.
AZ: But it is a weird name.
MD: You're a weird name.

AZ: I'm not saying anything, but your child will be battered to death in the playground.
MD: ...No... Beacause... he'll have Hector to defend him! DUH!

MAKEPEACE NOTWAR DECHNIK-LIU

XR: If you were in a Disney film youd kidnap dogs.

In the midst of a play-fight.
AZ: Go and have your imaginary babies!


Also!
MD, reading XR's text: And then he said 'I thought you wanted a girl'...
AZ: You can't choose what sex your imaginary kids will be! All that matters is that they're healthy! *breaks down laughing* [MD: Whaaat?] PLEASE OH PLEASE have a child with no arms and no legs and we can buy it a skipping rope! xD

4/05/2011 A little catch up.

AZ: Na pewno jest wspanialym czlowiekiem...

MTW: I'm not gonna flatten pigs ears for you!!!

DW: Men are like bolts; women like nuts. The less crude explanation - they go well together, and are useless separately. The more crude - they make a good screw.

Just. LOL.
AZ: Can you imagine the expression on her stupid face?!

HIMYM: Lily on Absinthe: "Time is music that planets make" Aww :)

02/05/2011

About fbk.
AZ: He shotgunned the heart!

Awwww :)


About people looking at us sititng in UCL main building [on the floor...]
AZ: Ktos idze i sie gapi... No kurwa chcesz ciasteczko?!


We are sitting in the library. All is well and calm. No one says anything. Suddenly...
AZ: Teehee :) Paedophiles!


About people in the library.
MD: Dlaczego ludzie sie na nas patrza?! :(
AZ: Nie wiem, bo jestesmy fajne? :)


AZ: Wyglada jak karzelek. Tylko wiekszy.
MD: Wiec wyglada jak normalny czlowiek?
AZ: Ale tak troszke wiekszy.


AZ: I think I made up a word?

Silence. Suddenly and quickly:
AZ: :( oh grrr... boo... fuck it.

AZ: I'm don't know why I'm here?
MD: I dont know why im sitting... I should be...
Standing?


Oh. Lol. And I just remembered a convo between me and AZ, where I pissed her off to NO end...
AZ: When my father...
MD: Your father? xD Lol. Why not your dad?
AZ: Because he was an authoritative figure.
MD: ?
AZ: Because he was wearing a suit...
MD: So if he wore a T-Shirt would he be your dad?
AZ: *-) Anyway. So when my father and my mother...
MD: Was she wearing a suit too?
AZ: Oh ffs. I don't want to tell the story any more!!!
MD: No, no. I'm sorry. Carry on.

[Damnit! I don't remember the rest!! Hopefully I'll remember eventually...]

AZ: I HATE brushing my teeth!

01/05/2011 Just a convo.

Just worth remembering that I had possibly the best conversation ever with my dad today!
Topics covered in our hour long conversation: politics, sport, religion, France, Israel, mice and Justin Bieber. And I only called to talk about mice... :)

29/04/2011 From the Royal Wedding.

And, at the same time, my beautiful Swan writing book :)

XR: He's a man... A ginger man...
In unison: BUT A MAN NONETHELESS!

About William not getting a ring, and pondering about the Royal Wedding Edition cock rings.
XR: There are about a thousand guys our there going LAD!!!

About the choir boys.
MD: Which one of these kids do you think is getting the most action from the priests?
XR: I knew this question was coming that's why I gave you an inappropriate look... But the second one I think...
MD: Yeah I know! I was gonna say...
In unison: I WOULD!!!

[Misses out inappropriate quote... Just fmi]

[Apparently. I do NOT remember this! Hopefully context to follow?]
MD: I wish I was a man!

XR: You knocked over Newton with a British flag! Oh the irony!

XR: He's wearing a crown! This kid should be beheaded!!!

MD: My mouth has a filling capacity!
XR: Reeeeeally?

MD: One of the policemen looks really hot.
XR: Like sexy or not coping well with the heat?

Stealing my notebook.
MD: Give it back!
XR: I already gave it to you once!
MD: GIVE IT TO ME AGAIN!!!

Placard from the wedding:
'Check-mate Kate - you've taken the King'

TV: I think Kate is the next Diana.
XR: What, she's gonna die?!


[Unsure] Enjoy!
MD: Enjoy my ASS!
[This quote is even funnier given that XR, in an attempt to write it, misspelt the word 'ass' four times! Epic fail xD]

Re: the tornado.
News: Almost 300 people have died...
MD: AT THE WEDDING?! :|

RE: my heart.
XR: Now I know you have a MASSIVE one!

XR's card 'Malt...aged 21' - he told me that whiskey is usually 16, 18, 21, and then 30, 40 etc, and I said it's because they wanted to buy good whiskey cards which said how old they were, and cards don't come with 22, 23, 24...etc.
MD: Hallmark killed whiskey!

XR: When you cut William he blues bleeds...

XR: That's terrifying! You look like you're about to each children!

From Poirot. Re: nuns.
'Bloody vampires in drag, quite frankly'

XR: I don't think Arnold Schwarzenegger can be any more religious... No, what?! Ridiculous!

Poirot:
'Earlier you had killed a goat'

Re: hats on Poirot [think Apu or museum guy in The Mummy]
XR: What are these hats called?
MD: Upside down bins?

XR: Mein Kampf II...
MD: THE SEQUEL!!!

Re: Marx's grave
MD: Will you go with me? Will you will you will you?
XR: Are you just gonna fall asleep when we get there?

XR: When I went to a concentration camp in Germany...

XR: You know you've screwed up when you don't want to do Physics.♥

30/04/2011 Dolphins

About my being a badass dolphin.

JTA: not necessarily a member of high society but still dignified in your general badassery


Gossip Girl:
"What's the point of having a kingdom if you have to reign alone."

29/04/2011 Immigrant Mice

In the midst of a relentless night of mouse-hunting, I asked AZ if I could take some flags for the Royal Wedding celebrations.

AZ: Do you think these mice are immigrants?
MD: ?
AZ: Think you're gonna scare them away with patriotism?

28/04/2011 Recession

AZ: You know Nigela? She sometimes doesn't wear underwear just because... I understand recession..but really?

ANH: If I was sitting next to some woman and suddenly heard 'Bzzzzz' I'd be like "AT LEAST TAKE OFF YOUR BRA!".

ANH: And they shot down Rose...
MD: Oh, is it a boy or a girl?
ANH: It's a boy...
MD: Oh OK... WAIT WHAT?!

27/04/2011 Mousefeet

About glue-traps.
MWT: goodluck with your mousefeet. Enjoy trying to find the rest of it. ♥


Spelling.
MD: How would you spell boodoom boom tsch?
AZ: Budumbum-
MD: In english?

MD: Can you tell me what you think of this song? *quietly to self* Oh, except my iTunes shut down.. so in 12 days...
AZ: It comes up with 12 days of christmas?
MD: Huh?
AZ: What's the name? 12 days?
... ¬_¬

26/04/2011 Rotting animals

Re: the mouse hunt and poison.
PMA: a gnijące zwierzęta pachną niefajnie


Furthermore,

PMA, on the grandeur of his name:
tak brzmi
wiesz
piotr marek andrzejewski
as opposed to
say
zdzisław konewka


JF: Try to get some sleep
MD: im not sleeping in this mofoing zoo!


On squirrels.
PMA: bo taka ładna w ogrodzie była
ruda
nie tak jak te tutaj
jakieś szare fake wiewiórki ♥
czipsy ze śmieci wpierniczają
MD: Recession jest!!
PMA: recession my ass

AZ watching Masterchef.
AZ: In case you didn't know, the whole of Australian culture is based around the culture of food.
...
MD: I thought it was around the culture of convicts?
AZ: Yeah, or like, you know, desert, dingos, kangaroos...The whole thing. But no. It's food. Because they cooked a kangaroo.


About re-charging life.
AZ: Just stick a cable up your ass and recharge, i mean...

Russel Howard, on time travel and Justin Bieber.
We don't want you having a baby! Baby? Baby! Oh!

AZ: Maybe we should leave out mouse porn for them?

Backtrack. 18.19/04/2011

Apparently from 18th or 19th? And the file was called 'Intentions'


AZ: You can see the duck! xD

Joint effort: The candle, the hidden duck and the toilet paper.


MD: That would be a terrible film...worse than Scots Abroad!
AZ: WORSE THAN EWOK!


MD: How do you kick people out of the house? Not you, obviously, if i kicked you out you'd just come back in!


Talking about an ambiguous situation with a guy. After explaining the whole story...
XR: So what is your question? You just told me a story...


[No context. Or author. Nothing.] Peter Jackson was slated cause his monkey kept changing size.

26/04/2011 The Fairbridge Mouse Hunt

Hopefully in the correct order [I will add to it as the situation progresses].

First off, me and AZ kept hearing weird noises. Especially behind the fridge. We just assumed we were a bit mad.

Then, after I came back from seeing CWB, fairly tipsy, I sat on my sofa and types ferociously about nothing in particular. As I looked up at AZ and said 'I hate mice!' [meaning laptop mice], I saw a black shape flicker in front of me near my drawers. I shook my head and stared, making AZ all weirded out. I then looked back to my screen and, having been asked to repeat what I said, I said, again 'I hate mice', looked up, and the black shape flickered again. I genuinely thought I was going mental. I started counting how many drinks I had and even hypothesising as to what the hell could have been in those drinks! Then, as I was on the brink of turning myself into a padded cell, and AZ on the brink of helping me get there, a mouse, now known as Muffin, appeared in the middle of my room. Playing it cool as ever, I sprung up onto the sofa yelling. It ran off.

We then set up two cameras to capture near the fridge.

The recordings took about 40 mins. After about half an hour passed [closed doors, fairly quiet conditions] I heard 'Ummm...Miiiilz... Oohhhhh!' I came to AZ's room, to see her cowering on her bed, and yattering on about it being in her room. I threw a pencil at where the mouse was, which lured it out and made it run under the fridge.

Upon closer inspection of the videos, Muffin was seen twice, lurking near the fridge, while the mouse from AZ's room, only made one appearance as she legged it from the room under the fridge. She is now known as Coco. [There are, of course, speculations about it being a fast-breeding family, rather than two innocent girly mice; it's OK - we've enough 'Crunchy' peanut butter to feed a whole herd!]

Convinced that mice in real life are just like ghosts in the film 'Skeleton Key' we poured salt along our doorways to repel the damn rodents. It didn't work. We also placed cloths dipped in fabric softener there to repel them. This, also, did not work. The next morning my cloth was moved and the salt line had paw prints in it. Grrreat!


Next came the day of my epic mouse trap idea, whereby I attached a piece of string to a can of hair mousse which held up a shoe box, under which was a muffin and some Fruit'n'Fibre. This did not work either, as I lurked for an hour, watching Chicken Run on mute and with subtitles, and neither bitch reappeared.


AZ's Easter Sunday was not so dandy. Apparently there were noises, and the peanut butter from the actual trap I bought was gone and the trap did not work. Also, as she was sitting on my floor, one ran past her and hid under my drawers. [I wonder what is so curious back there?] We also planned a glue trap, which involved putting super-glue all over a piece of card with peanut butter in the centre. This may have temporarily worked, but AZ was too much of a wuss to go check it out when she heard squealing. The sleepless nights they've caused me - I'll kill them with my bare hands if I can get my hands on them!

And today, morning of the 26th, I'm sat in my room. Typing away. Looking around, scared of my own shadow, guarding the fort. We set up another glue trap, and XR put more peanut butter on the actual trap, but I think the glue is now dry and the trap is meant for rats.

I keep remembering what Tom the Handyman told us - be thankful that there are mice, because that means that there are no rats because they'd eat them.
Right. And do you think the rats won't realise that there are mice here and come over and eat them? Come now...

Alright. Well. That's the mouse hunt so far. I'm hoping that the next report I'll have will be 'Both Muffin and Coco are dead'n'gone - woo!' This, however, seems unlikely given how poor our mouse-catching skills are. We shall see.


On the 29th April 2011, Muffin was captured into the Big Cheese mouse trap.
I was not here to witness the bloodshed, but feel kinda responsible, as I set up the trap. AZ also took pictures to show me. Nice...

We are now Coco hunting, using 5 smaller traps arranged around the side of the fridge. Bring it on Coco [who, by the way, keeps on appearing under the fridge and making chewing noises!]! BRING. IT. ON.

25/04/2011 A cat.

Charlie Brooker, The Guardian: 

With not long to go until the AV referendum, the waters are muddier than ever. It's confusing. One minute the anti-camp claims a vote for AV would benefit the BNP. Then the pro-camp counters by pointing out the BNP are against AV. Therefore no matter what the outcome, Nick Griffin will both win and lose simultaneously. He'll exist in an uncertain quantum state. Like Schrödinger's cat. I say "cat". I originally used another word starting with c and ending with t, but the Guardian asked me to change it. Suffice to say, Griffin is a massive cat.


Jaroslaw Kaczynski: Dżej-bezef-Kej xD


When I screamed and she opened the door. I informed her that I did not say 'coh-coh'.
AZ: You dont control things coming out of your mouth when you see a mouse!

ADW sent me the weirdest youtube clip I've ever seen. Called:

VIRALPOP: Zombie George Washington Rides Nyan Cat
Err. Just. What?!


About Prince William.
KJH: my mother served him potatoes. YEAH.
MD: WHATWHY?! WHY WAS HE EATING POTATOES?
KJH: ...he occassionally likes to feel poor sometimes so he eats potatoes. I dont know!


About Roux.
AZ: Do you know he calls me a Wise Nymph?

About people saying 'goodnight' and not logging off fbk.
AZ: It's like me going 'OK, I'm going to sleep <no one moves> OOOK then!'


Just a little banter.
AZ: Cause all these guys think you don't have a life! 'Really you wouldn't want to go out with me?'
MD: BUT WE SPOKE ON FACEBOOK! xD

25/04/2011 LLAMA

Contestant for quote of the month [♥]. Made me laugh to NO end.
AZ: 'oh and here goes the fucking llama' ♥

24/04/2011

Watching Master Chef.
SD: Jak mozna gotowac mieso w Coca Coli? :(

SD fighting off a wasp.
TSD: O kurde, ale zaraz kogos dziobnie!
MD: Poleciala do dzieci, jest ok!

TSD: Snilo mi sie tsunami. Ale takie malutkie.
MD and SD exchange a look of 'I'll take this one'.
MD: Czyli snila ci sie fala?

SD falling asleep after some shit programme called 'Pitbull' was on TV. Adverts.
MD: Tatusiu, idz spac.
SD: NIE! JESZCZE JEDEN PITBULL JEST!!

23/04/2011 Important.

CYFRA+, when flicking through channels:
Krwawa niedziela

JTA: I was trying to nail a girl who loved Bambi

From some lame-looking film with Buffy in. From what I gather, a guy who hasn't spoken in ages just got talked into speaking by her and whispers:
"I think you may be important to me."
Iss just soo purrty :)

Also - I totally forgot to mention the guy on the coach!
I got on, huffing and puffing as I had to run and barely made it, and he stared at me funny, which, I suppose given the circumstances was totally acceptable - I was a right mess! But then, shortly after we departed Victoria, he put his bag on his lap, and his hands under his bag and started shaking funny.
After quite a while, the shaking intensified and then quickly stopped.
His face said it all too.
Just. OMG really.

And the guy sitting in front of me dropped a crisp on the floor [of a National Express coach! Ew.] and then picked it up and ate it. Duuude!!

Day paedophile* ponderings.

I just thought of the phrase 'the day is wayy too young for me', which is legitimate, if not a little chavy, and wondered why no-one, and by no-one I mean someone very specific from W, has not yet made the joke about not being a day paedophile?

*Disclaimer: No ACTUAL paedophilic content here! Good god :|

22/04/2011 Of words.

A little bit about words.

My favourite ever is 'duchess'. I like to think it's because of the poem, but I can't be sure.

I also really used to like 'twilight' until the saga. Also, DB's favourite, 'silhouette' is kinda awesome!

The reason for this post - I remembered the word 'kawiarenka' in Polish, and fell in love with it all over again. Probably because of the terrifying story my grandma used to tell me when I was little. [Which, by the way, I just deduced was the reason for why my grandma's house always features in my nightmares!]

On the other hand, my least favourite words are 'chunk' and 'necessity'. Stupid 'ch' sound, and repetition of c's and s's in weird places!

22/04/2011 Possum?

AZ: DC text me yesterday saying mumbo jumbo. KURWA SPIERDALAJ!

Talking about O's towel drying.

[What I heard] AZ: Like this *scrubs* like a possum! 

Oh, she actually said 'flossing'!! xD

Also, re: XR's claim that someone was once voted the hottest woman of 2001. 

MD: Was it Brittany Murphy?

AZ: Probably voted her with AV...


MD: What do you think the most offensive you can POSSIBLY think of is?  *AZ - blank stare* Did I put a noun in that sentence?

AZ: Oh yeah, that's like when I went to this experiment thingy when I went to this experiment thingy.
¬_¬

About some wailing drunk people.
AZ: I hope they die. And I will not regret it if they actually die.

AZ: Was it Aristotle who said something like 'You never walk into the same river twice'?
MD: ¬_¬ No, it was Pocahontas.

About an nk photo.
Comment: Jakie dwa urocze zajaczki :)
MD: Kurwa spierdalaj lezbijko!


Out of the blue!
AZ: I have really weird thoughts in my head.

About those creepy spam ads.
AZ: Oh, but, Russian girls looking for men in my area!
MD: I'm sorry honey, you just don't have what it takes - a penis.
AZ <sheepishly>: But three people in my area want to date me :)


About Muffin the mouse.
AZ: I want it to die in front of my very eyes!!

21/04/2011 El Toro.

Some fabulous times with TJEW and XR.

Story time.
TJEW: Ok, so there were these Russian guys, and they got totally pissed...*XR bursts out laughing!* I haven't even started yet!

Re: AZ's flimsy wrists.
XR: We decided she'd be great at masturbating other men.

TJEW: I'll probably just end up as a lawyer.
MD: Nyaww, you poor thing! 'My tiara is falling down and my diamond shoes are too small! :'( '
*silence*

Re: shanking. [also - 'cranking' is a good term, no?]
TJEW: The fundamental question is - why not just flush?!

XR: Can we eat El Toro later? ...NOT in a sexual way!!!

After a double shot of disguisting tequila.
XR: Are you a Mexi-can or Mexi-can't?!
TJEW *tamely*: I'm definitely a Mexi-can't now...

TJEW comes back from getting a drink; XR: Well, this is difficult... Take my seat! ... I forgot... *leaves again*
???

XR: El Toro, your reputation precedes you!
TJEW: Yes, by about 18 inches.

The beginning of the worst New Year's Eve tale ever!
TJEW: On our way there I realised I needed a shit. It was 10 o'clock.

Context missing?
TJEW: That's just crossing the line...
XR and MD in unison: EL TORO HAS A LINE?!?!


Having been judged for asking for vodka and cranberry juice.
XR: Fine, get me a vodka and man juice!

About TJEW's school experiences and/or WWII.
"If we do anything we'll be touching his cock!"

XR's spelling: N for Necromancer

TJEW's initials: TJEW
Ummmm....

[10/09/11 - I just went around correcting all the 'TWs' into 'TJEWs' and now I realize my past-self knew about this and just ignored it. STUPID PAST ME!]

Trying to convince me to drink gin and tonic.
XR: But it prevents malaria!
TJEW: One of UK's biggest concerns...

As XR approaches the table with a shot of tequila.
MD: What the hell?!
XR: It's El Toro! I bought him tequila!!!
TJEW: OK. You do know I'm not actually Mexican?

Vinegar.

Just a story that I desperately must remember.

Me and DHC went out birthday present shopping for AZ. As I was leaving the house, I asked if there was anything she wanted me to buy. She said we need a bottle of vinegar to clean the drains.

Me and DHC hopped to her workplace, and wanted to collaborate with her freaky boss. Convo:
A: Do you see her a lot? Do you go out a lot?
MD: *smoothly* No! I never see her :( In fact, I only spoke to her to ask if she needed anything bought, and she said 'Vinegar' and I left.
A: WHY? Why does she want vinegar?!
MD: She wants to clean something.. The drain.. I don't really know.
*end of this convo*

From my pov:
I go shopping. I buy her lots of nice stuff. I go to my study. Mind my own business for a few hours. Go home. Get home - she lashes out at me as soon as I walk through the door.
AZ: What's with the vinegar?!
MD: Oh my gosh! I'm so sorry! I totally forgot!
AZ: No, that's OK. But what's with the texts?!
MD: ...Huh? ;/

From her pov:
[Back story: all of AZ's phone numbers got erased, so she didn't have anyone's number]
I leave the house. Suddenly she gets the text, bitching about the vinegar, sarcastically saying things like 'I'll get you a cleaner' etc. Gets passive-aggressive between 'Bitch what the hell?!' and ':( I just wanted some vinegar!'
I get home - she wants explanation as to what the hell the texts were all about.


So here I am, all sheepish and wtf-ed, and she's annoyed and confused.

Turns out - her genius boss decided to text her weird, sarcastic things about the conversation we'd just had, despite being asked not to tell her I was ever there.

Massive twit.

21/04/2011

Talking about fish, dolphins and vegetarianism.
AZ: And sharks go *swings from side to side* like fish. Because they are fish.


MD: I want to eat a sloth.
AZ: A sloth? What is a sloth? WAIT I'll Google it!
MD: *stares blankly; sarcastically:* What's a sloth?!
AZ: What is... Oh a SLOTH? WHAT?!


Po-nglish:
Kapabilny = capable
Testykulia = testicles [or, as my dad claims, 'jaja']
Przyjebedziesz = ...I don't even... In a sentence: 'To kiedy przyjebedziesz?'


Talking to my dad, he asked if I wanted anything specific cooked.
MD: ...I jeszcze osmiornice, konia i kurczaka nadziewanego sowa.
SD *very calmly*: OK, a teraz jeszcze raz powiedz ale na powaznie.


Cool word much!
AZ: Specificity
Although, actually, she said 'specifi-cifi...ficit-...specifitic-... SPECIFICITY!


Judging Jessica Biel. And most of the human race really.
MD: She looks really botoxed... She has a LOT of teeth!
AZ: You have a thing with teeth.
MD: You have a thing with noses!
AZ: Yeah, no, I'm just saying... We're discovering our things.

20/04/2011

Don't Tell the Bride: The boys are at Rowanelle to marvell at their massive erection; teepees are going up.


Regarding the closure of all the uni facilities for just before the exams and dissertation deadlines!
AZ: Please, librarians dont have families!

Also, after a long chat with SR, about things that I've not done in my life, we've concluded that I have to go to a Royal Wedding Rubix-cube themed street party, with lots of lesbians and single guys. Awesome.

About Muffin the Mouse.
AZ: It's not going for the food. It's just sightseeing! Fucking hell...

About the naming of Muffin:
AZ: I'm so happy. It's gonna be a great name for the tombstone once we kill it.

19/04/2011 MRAUU!

About the previous day, and JCE meeting someone else. 
AZ: "Ehh...I'm gonna die!"
"Ehh.. I'm sure you're too much of a gentleman to just die like that"




About some guy we don't know.

AZ: He could be quite good looking if he lost some weight.. No cause I mean he has a symmetrical face. That’s what I'm basing this on... I’m not like MRAUU!




Later on, whilst at Starbucks with AZ and GLSB (a joke in itself??? Not him, the initials I mean!), I spotted the guy next to us was staring at us and judging. I tried to mouth it to AZ, but it didn't work, so I took out my phone and wrote (fairly efficiently)
'He's judging us soooo bad!!!'
A few minutes later, AZ wanted to get her point across too, so after she tried to mouth it, I passed her my phone. She was on it for about half an hour and came out with:
'Fuck him. Hes havin burger king'
Logic AND typing fail!

[Really from 20/04, but related] Discussing GLSB's initials... Then name. Especially in Welsh!
AZ: With Geraint it's like being called JAGNA! 




Haha, talking about whether you should live your life according to the rules of the Bible or not. Also, whether Jesus would approve of gays and people who have sex before marriage etc.
CWB: I think Jesus was a cool cat... 

18/04/2011: The day the Earth stood awkwardly

AZ: You can see the duck! xD


Joint effort: The candle, the hidden duck and the toilet paper.


MD: That would be a terrible film...worse than Scots Abroad!


AZ: WORSE THAN EWOK!


MD: How do you kick people out of the house? Not you, obviously, if i kicked you out you'd just come back in!


Talking about an ambiguous situation with a guy. After explaining the whole story...
XR: So what is your question? You just told me a story...

MD: What are his intentions?
XR: His intentions are pretty obvious aren't they?
*crickets*




After hearing a loud scream outside.
XR (casually): Jamie is out on the prowl.


After discussing someone to do with AZ, who is 'loosely' like someone else to me...
XR: Alright. Bring it. I'm feeling in a loose mood.


My spazzy question. XR played the Casino Royale theme tune. I was going to ask what the name of the guy singing it was [Chris Cornell by the way]
MD: What's his gay?

I complained from rib pain.
XR: We need a medic!
*crickets*